We All Eat Lies When Our Hearts Are Hungry
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My name is Neferet, and I’m a liar. And a thief.
I stole from him again the next day when I saw his journal sitting on the nightstand in my bedroom after he left for work. I didn’t have any plans to read it right away; however, that all changed once I got home from school yesterday afternoon.
It was still there on the table, just as I’d hoped, so I picked it up to take a look at what he’d written. The first thing I noticed was that it was dated two years ago: March 17th, 2009. That seemed odd considering how well I knew him, but then I remembered how much time we had spent together over those few days—he’d told me his birthday would be the following week.
So I flipped ahead to see if anything else stood out. But nothing really did. Most of his entries were about how miserable he felt without me by his side, how empty and alone he’d become since leaving New Orleans, and how lonely it made him feel.
He even wrote an entry describing a dream he’d been having where someone kept trying to convince him to kill himself, which I found interesting because he hadn’t mentioned it until now. There was one other thing that caught my attention, though.
At the very end, there was a poem written to me—a beautiful poem that he described as the best gift he could imagine giving anyone. My name’s the only word he uses more than a few times to describe me as if each time it describes my beauty, intelligence, kindness, or some new quality that makes me different from everyone else in his life.
“Why don’t you ever talk about me?” I said out loud. “Are you ashamed of me? Because if you are, then I can’t stay here with you.”
He turned around to look at me from behind his desk while holding his pen between his fingers. “You’ve seen everything I write about,” he finally answered. “If you’re ashamed, then we both know you wouldn’t have done all that you’ve done, not if you were truly embarrassed.
No, I’m not ashamed of you. You are my wife and will always be my wife—no matter what happens to me. If I die tomorrow, you’ll live forever, and if I choose to walk away from this existence and never return, then I will be walking beside you for eternity.”
He looked deep into my eyes as he continued speaking. “I love you enough to give everything up for your happiness. But it has to be something you want, not something I dictate for you. You must decide for yourself whether to go back to being mortal again or to remain here with me. You are free to leave if you wish. We will both understand.”
The way he was looking at me caused all my nerves to tingle inside me; the sensation spread through every inch of my body. “Do you remember our wedding night?” he asked me suddenly.
I swallowed hard at the memory of all the things he’d done to me and the emotions he’d evoked in me that night.
“How could I forget?”
“There was one moment, during the middle of it, when I was afraid to push myself too far, too fast. I think I pushed you a little harder than you wanted me to. It was like a test, and you failed it.”
“And what happened then?”
His face became serious as he leaned forward on the desk and rested his elbows on his knees. He reached across the table to touch my hand before continuing, “You threw me off balance, knocked me sideways, and you made me see stars.
You broke me completely and utterly, and you brought me back to life.” His voice grew quiet with each word, his lips barely moving as he spoke. “When we’re apart, sometimes I feel like a part of me is missing, so much of me feels incomplete.
But when I am near you, it’s as if there’s this whole new world that opens up to me and makes it possible for me to exist in complete peace. Your love is like a drug that keeps feeding my addiction for more. It’s intoxicating and addictive.
It takes away the pain, makes me feel strong, and fills me with hope for what might come next. You gave me a reason to believe in myself again, and I owe that to you, no matter where this path leads us. You are more precious than any gift I could ever receive because you are mine—and I will fight anyone who tries to take you from me.”
A warm smile crossed his lips as he watched my expression change with every sentence he spoke, but I had a question for him. “What happened to those two men you killed that night?”
He smiled wider. “One was my enemy and the other was a friend, one from my past and another from my present.”
“Then why do you keep mentioning them in your journals?”
“Because they’re important to my story,” he answered. “They played roles that needed playing to bring us back to each other.”
“But what about the man whose life you saved?”
“That man was my lover.”
“Was?” I repeated. I felt sick just hearing that. I didn’t need to read more to know their affair would eventually end in tragedy.
“Yes. We lost a lot of time together when you were taken away from me. I thought our connection would be forever, and I chose to ignore all the signs of his unhappiness. When we saw each other after all these years, we both fell madly in love all over again. Then I got caught up in this mess of yours, and he left without even saying goodbye.”
“Oh God,” I whispered. I couldn’t imagine being separated from someone I loved so desperately for so long, only to lose them altogether.
“I tried to reach out to him when I learned you were missing, but I received no answer.”
“Did you tell him how you really knew?”
He nodded slowly and sighed as if I had hurt him terribly by asking about such a painful subject. “I told him nothing. I wanted to spare him anything else because I knew he would suffer as badly as I did when it was over. And now I wonder if I should have been honest with him.”
“But he’s dead too. Don’t you think he deserves to know?”
He shook his head quickly. “No, not like that. I can’t risk his life for my sake.”
“So you’ll never contact him again? Never try to find him again?”
“No.” He stood up to pace, but his eyes kept darting around the room as though he was waiting for something to jump out at him. “There’s a possibility we might run into each other, but that’s unlikely since you’re still alive. If we did, I don’t know if we’d be able to talk. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to let the opportunity pass us by.”
“Why do you want me to stay away from you so badly then?”
“Because it would be wrong,” he said, sounding almost defeated. “It would violate the vow we both made.”
My mind flashed back to our conversation at the house, and I knew exactly what he meant when he mentioned our vows. “You promised you weren’t going to kill me or anyone else in your line,” I said softly.
“Not until you were gone.”
“And I agreed. No killing unless absolutely necessary.”
“We were both sworn to that oath.”
“So are you planning on breaking that promise now?”
His jaw tensed, and for a moment, I thought he would explode. Instead, he took several deep breaths and sat back down on his chair with his hands resting on the edge of the table, as if he found some measure of peace in the gesture. Then his fingers curled under my chin and pulled my face closer to his, forcing me to look directly at him.
The passion that surged through me was enough to make me forget the pain I had been feeling for weeks—or maybe it was the fear he brought out of me.
“I’m trying to protect us all from you, from what might happen if we ever see each other again. That’s why I won’t let you leave here, and it’s also why I’ll keep searching for the woman who has the book. I can’t allow anything else to get in my way, and neither can you.”
I stared up at the beast before me, wondering how many times she’d heard him speak these same words. The only thing that surprised me was that I hadn’t recognized his voice at once. But maybe his emotions were so strong, he could hide his true feelings behind them.
Perhaps that was why he’d used it when I asked questions earlier. To make me feel sorry for him. I couldn’t decide whether or not he cared anymore. Was he really just acting like an animal now, using whatever tactic he needed to survive, or did he actually still care for the girl he’d once been engaged to?
Whatever it was, it wasn’t enough to erase the fact that he was still a monster—no matter how noble he tried to appear.
***
I woke up to the smell of fresh-baked cookies.
I groaned and rolled over onto my stomach, rubbing my cheek against the pillow where he was sleeping peacefully. For a while, I lay there thinking about our conversation the night before. He had revealed so much to me during our chat, but most of those details I chose to forget.
After a while, I lifted my head off the bed and glanced around the room, which glowed with a golden glow from the sunrise pouring through the window. The bedside clock read 7:00 a.m., so I was guessing the cookies were ready for consumption.
I smiled as I walked over to the bed and reached beneath it for him. As far as I was concerned, he could sleep as late as he wanted; his cooking would be worth the inconvenience of losing out on any more hours of rest.
When I tugged his hand out from underneath the bed, he grunted and opened his eyes. “Oh. Good morning, love.” His hair was disheveled, but his handsome features looked relaxed and peaceful.
I laughed at the sight of him and bent down to kiss his forehead gently, then slid a leg out of the covers and crawled onto his lap. “Mmm, good morning indeed.”
His arms wrapped around me tightly, as if he was afraid to lose me. He kissed me deeply and ran his fingers across the small scar near my collarbone as if he were seeking reassurance that the wound wasn’t too deep. When he finally pulled back, he studied my face closely and smiled slowly, as if he found something funny in my reaction. “What?”
“I didn’t know you liked to cook so much.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you everything I can,” he said softly, running his hand down my shoulder to cup one breast through the material of my dress.
“But—” I tried to pull back, but he held me firmly.
“No arguments.” His smile widened. “You need to eat regularly. And I’ll never pass up a chance to spend time with you.”
My heart melted a little bit, despite myself. I was happy when he claimed he wouldn’t allow me to leave, but I wished we could have a normal relationship and enjoy ourselves together without any of the complications that came with a vampire’s life. It wasn’t fair to either of us, though, considering our roles. So I pushed those thoughts aside and focused on the good things he brought into my life, like his cooking.
He placed his free hand between us, sliding it slowly up my thigh until it cupped my sex. My skin flushed red, but the desire inside me grew stronger by the second. He must have felt it because he smirked.
“It’s a shame your dress doesn’t come with built-in underwear.” He slipped one finger between my folds, testing my arousal and causing a shudder to course through my body. “I’d hate to have to tear this lovely garment apart in order to get a taste of you.”
My breath caught when his fingertip circled my clit, making me moan quietly. I arched slightly forward, allowing him access to more of my body and opening myself fully to his touch. He teased me with slow circles until he knew I was ready for more, then he thrust his middle finger inside of me and started stroking me gently.
With my eyes closed, I allowed myself to relax completely under his hand, letting his caress bring me to climax quickly. He kept pumping me gently until I began to shake in his grasp, my hips rising toward his fingers as I reached a feverish peak. Then he withdrew suddenly, yanked me back onto the bed, and pinned me beneath him.
As much as I wanted to protest, the way he stared at me told me it was best to let him do as he pleased for a while. He kissed me briefly and lowered himself beside me, resting his arm across my shoulders and propping his head on his palm. “Did I hurt you? You looked uncomfortable.”
“N-no … I’m fine… it just surprised me a little.”
We lay there quietly for a moment, enjoying each other’s company. I could hear birds chirping outside, as well as a soft breeze blowing through the trees beyond the open window. Eventually, the sunlight made its way inside the room and illuminated the golden glow of the bed.
He kissed my cheek gently, and then rose from the bed and disappeared into his bathroom, coming back shortly thereafter wearing a pair of shorts and nothing else.
“I’ve got breakfast for us,” he said, smiling widely. He picked up a plate from where it sat on the dresser, grabbed a knife and fork from his kitchen utensil drawer, then went about preparing the meal.
While he cooked, I took another look around the bedroom. At first glance, the space seemed to be designed for sleeping, with a king-sized mattress taking pride of place in the center, surrounded by an ornate headboard and footboard.
But the walls were lined with mirrors that reflected the morning light, revealing the spaciousness of the room. A small desk had been set up near one of the windows and held a laptop computer along with some paper files, a phone, and a few pens.
There was also a large flat-screen television sitting on a nightstand next to a matching leather sofa. I saw a small dining table tucked away in a corner, and a closet full of neatly organized clothes hung above a chest of drawers. I wondered if all vampires had such luxurious spaces or if it was only Nathan who enjoyed such creature comforts.
I couldn’t help smiling at the way Nathan carried the food over to the table and set it down on one side of the couch. He then moved to my side of the couch and placed his plate beside mine, leaning against my leg for support while eating. We chatted about trivial things: the weather, how nice it would be to go swimming later in the day, the state of the city during the daylight hours …
And then we talked about ourselves. About what we liked and disliked about our roles as vampire hunters; how much we hated politics, the way other vampires always looked out for their own and tried to play favorites, and the way some of our colleagues turned their back on us when they learned we were mates.
We spoke openly, and freely. As though we hadn’t ever considered keeping secrets from one another.
I found myself thinking it was too easy, being with Nathan. The way I trusted him so much, the way I wanted to be closer to him than anyone else in the world, even after seeing him turn into a beast when attacked by another vampire. I didn’t want to know about every secret he had—only the important ones. And he was willing to grant me those wishes without hesitation.
I leaned forward and kissed him softly. He groaned at the contact and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me tight to him. “Mm, you like that?” I murmured.
He chuckled softly. “You make me forget about everything except how good it feels having you in my arms.”
A blush warmed my cheeks as his fingertips played at the hemline of my dress, drawing it upward with his hands. I lifted myself from his hold, turning away from him but holding tightly to his arm for support. I stepped over to my chair and slowly sank down onto it. It wasn’t far enough. So I stood again and turned to face him as he watched me with wide eyes, hunger gleaming in the depths of them.
I removed my shoes, and socks, then pulled off my underwear and left everything aside before sitting back down on the bed, straddling his thighs. His hands immediately slid up to the sides of my hips, cupping my waist and tugging me closer to him.
I smiled at him and leaned down slightly, pressing my lips to his neck and sucking lightly on the spot right behind his ear, causing him to gasp and tremble. “It’s so easy for you isn’t it,” I whispered to him softly. “To think about your mate. To feel her here and now …”
“So long as you’re not trying to distract me…” He reached up, his hands sliding up into my hair and holding tightly to it. “Don’t try to do anything clever with this,” he warned, running his fingers through the length of my locks as though checking whether they were all still attached to my scalp.
“Just give me a little time.” My fingers slid beneath the edge of my dress, pushing it up until the bottom hem fell over my shoulders and exposed the smooth skin of my belly. Nathan released my hair and ran his hands up the backs of my arms, pulling my body close to his, then resting his palms against the swell of my breasts, squeezing gently. I arched toward his touch, sighing in response.
His tongue slid along the edge of his lower lip as he stared up at me with lust glimmering in his eyes. He lowered his head, kissing me softly. Then he pushed himself upward to kneel beside the bed, his hands moving to undo the buttons of my shirt.
As soon as the final one fell free, he began to slide it upward, taking care not to disturb my dress any more than necessary. I leaned back onto my elbows, watching him carefully, admiring the way his muscles flexed as he worked, the way his dark hair fell just past his forehead, brushing along my skin as his hands slid over my chest.
The sound of a drawer opening drew both of us to attention. “Nathan! You can’t … I mean—”
But Nathan was already gone, standing near the door with the blanket clutched in his hand. A low growl rose in my throat at the thought of something happening to him while he was out of sight, but Nathan’s expression was calm and composed; he seemed unfazed by whatever lay beyond that doorway.
With one last lingering kiss, he pressed my shirt closed with his palm and tossed it aside before returning to my side and sliding his fingers into the top of the dress. I helped him pull it free from my shoulders, then let him remove my bra, too. When we finally met again for the first time since he’d returned to us, Nathan looked at me with a strange look on his face.
I frowned questioningly. “What?”
“Do you feel it? This connection between you and me?” His hands stroked the length of my hair again, as though searching for an answer somewhere in it.
He felt it too. That’s what he’d said earlier. But there hadn’t been a spark or a feeling of energy between us. We’d been touching each other intimately, and it had only seemed like he was touching me as a means of distraction from the things we needed to talk about.
Now, suddenly, there was a sense of familiarity with our physical contact, almost as if I could see through his skin to the place where we shared blood ties. The bond between us felt as real as the air I breathed.
My heart pounded in my chest as I gazed into Nathan’s eyes, waiting for some sign of recognition in mine. He didn’t look away. Instead, he reached up and pulled me down onto the bed, rolling us so that I was lying atop him, staring at my own reflection in the mirror on the wall.
His mouth moved to my throat, licking and nipping with gentle flicks of his sharp teeth. Each touch sent a tremor rippling through me, but I kept my gaze locked on his face, willing myself not to look away.
We kissed slowly, deeply. His tongue slipped into my mouth, swirling around inside me like water. He tasted sweet wine. His lips brushed against the pulse point of my neck, sending a shiver through me even as a soft moan escaped my lips.
Nathan broke the kiss and shifted so that he was hovering above me. I wanted to reach up and grab him to bring him closer, but I wasn’t certain how far he’d take the intimacy. So I lay there, gazing up at him and waiting to be told what we should do next.
A moment later, my hands found their way to his shoulders instead. They curled around them as I tried to push myself up into a more comfortable position. I could tell Nathan was ready for more, although he made no move to take over for me.
The End