True Growth Is When Your Tired Of Your Own Shit
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I was in a daze when I rode back to the ranch. In my head, I was playing over and over again what had happened at the hotel. What had been bothering me before I left—what had caused my stomach to knot up like it was full of bees—was now resolved. Now all I could think about was that kiss.
It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. But it didn’t matter because if he wanted more than what we just shared, then so did I. So much more. The problem with that, however, is I’m still not sure how I feel about him or where our relationship will go from here.
All I know for sure is I want to stay in his life forever. He’s changed me in ways no one else has and for once, I don’t care what others think of me; there are no more masks to hide behind.
The last few weeks have made me realize that even though I’m on the run, I can never escape who I am or what I’ve done in the past. There may be some who don’t understand my reasons but I won’t let anyone change my mind about that man.
No matter what he says, I will continue to believe that he loves me, regardless of how much time passes between us or where life takes us. He is a good man and deserves love and happiness like everyone else.
As soon as I pulled up to the ranch, I heard horses coming toward me, and the sound of boots crunching along the dirt road stopped right in front of my stall. I looked around the area before pulling myself out of the saddle and walking over to them.
My gaze went from one face to another until it landed on John’s. Then, I knew something was wrong. His expression alone told me he thought we were in trouble again.
“What happened?” I asked as soon as we were close enough to talk.
He glanced over his shoulder before answering. “Your mother called.”
My heart dropped into my gut and I almost felt sick. Was everything alright? Did they hear anything new? I’d already spent most of the day worrying, but this was worse than any news from the law. This was my family calling.
When I saw that John’s face had turned dark red, I took his hand in mine and squeezed hard to reassure him. “Everything’s okay,” I said softly. “They’re just worried about you. We’ll call your aunt later tonight after it calms down.”
We walked up to the house together. I noticed a couple people inside waiting near the kitchen door. I didn’t recognize either person except for one woman who wore a black bonnet across her eyes and held an infant.
“I need to see my father,” I said to the woman with the baby. “Is he in the barn?”
She smiled and nodded, taking the child from my arms and putting it back on its feet before handing him off to someone else. I turned away and ran through the hallways until I came up against the closed doors of the library.
The room was cool and quiet; there were two men reading newspapers in there and neither bothered to look up. They probably assumed I needed to use the telephone.
A quick glance showed that the phone booth was empty. If I called my parents by name, then I knew they wouldn’t answer it unless I gave them permission first. The other option was to go upstairs and find my mother’s old desk in the study.
Once inside, I pulled open drawers and cabinets until I found a blank envelope and letterhead stationery. After scribbling out a quick note and sealing the envelope, I wrote my parents’ names on the outside of it and left it beside the telephone.
John waited patiently while I used the phone and talked to my folks for ten minutes. During that time, he stood beside me in silence, not saying a word. It surprised me that he didn’t try to talk to me, considering we hadn’t seen each other since before lunchtime. As much as I’d hoped to catch him alone, I was grateful for his patience.
My parents asked about John several times and I explained what we’d been doing at the hotel. I also told them that I was planning to ride south tomorrow morning to visit some friends in New Mexico and that I’d be returning in two weeks.
I figured they’d want to know why I chose not to go to Texas with them. By the end of the conversation, I knew exactly how the next three weeks would play out: John, John, John.
After talking to my parents, I turned around to find John staring at me with an odd expression. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I answered simply.
“You sure?”
“Yes,” I repeated and headed toward the stairs without looking behind me. I was tired of worrying and I wanted to get some rest. I needed sleep so badly that if I didn’t lay down right now, I thought I might collapse.
I’d slept in my clothes last night and I was still wearing my coat and boots. So, after removing all these articles of clothing and stuffing them under my bed, I stripped down to my undergarments before climbing into bed and pulling the covers over me. Before long, I was asleep in seconds.
***
The next few days went by like a blur, as did our time in New Mexico. When I wasn’t riding, or preparing for John to leave, I sat beside him and tried to explain what we could do to help him. He seemed genuinely interested in learning everything that I did and was fascinated by the way I handled horses. In fact, he even learned how to handle them when I was gone.
One afternoon, I watched as he practiced driving a team of oxen around a small obstacle course. They moved slowly, but steadily and didn’t seem too distracted by the fact that their driver wore only a pair of white coveralls with a belt tied around his waist, which was secured in place by a wide leather band wrapped twice around his hips.
“How long have you been doing this?” I asked.
“Since yesterday,” he replied with a smile. “Now, can we get on with it? I want to show you something else.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling somewhat relieved. We rode for almost eight hours, covering more than fifty miles. By the time we arrived home, both of us were exhausted.
John had already set up a tent in the barn before we got home. After we changed out of our dusty clothes, I helped him set up the canvas canopy and brought him dinner before leaving him to relax for a little bit.
It was late afternoon when I found John sitting beside me outside near the corral. “What’s wrong?” I asked immediately noticing his pained expression.
“Nothing’s wrong,” he answered quietly. “Except that I miss you and I think I might die from the pain I feel every time I’m forced to be separated from you.”
“Then why don’t you stay here?” I asked, reaching out and brushing a strand of hair off his forehead.
He shook his head. “That’s not possible, Abby,” he sighed and took my hand in his before leaning forward and kissing my palm. “I know I haven’t made it easy for you to trust me. But there are things about myself that I’ve kept hidden from you, things that may cause you to question my intentions.
Even though we’re both stubborn, I hope someday you’ll understand why I did the things I did.”
“If you ever hurt anyone in my family,” I said firmly, “then I promise you I will make sure that your life isn’t worth living anymore.”
His eyes darkened as he looked away. “Don’t threaten me, Abby. You don’t scare me.”
“Oh, I’m very sorry,” I laughed dryly. “I guess we’re even then. How’s that for equal?”
With a smile, he leaned back against the corral fence and pulled me against him. “I don’t need to tell you what happens to you once I’m dead,” he whispered close to my ear. “But remember, I won’t be the one killing you.”
“No,” I answered, “you wouldn’t. You would never hurt someone you love—or at least that’s what you’d like me to believe. That is probably the most frightening thing about all of this—”
“What?” he interrupted.
“That we’ve come so far together so quickly,” I continued, “and yet, neither of us knows each other at all.”
“Do you really expect me to answer all of your questions before we get married?”
“No,” I admitted. “But I just wish you would open up to me, that’s all. Don’t you understand? This is much bigger than either one of us, so please let me help you.”
He sighed heavily and turned his face away from mine. “This isn’t working for me. If anything happened to you—”
“I’m going to marry you,” I cut him off sharply. “So, please don’t try to frighten me or talk to me like I’m a child. I’ve been through a lot in my life and you know nothing about it and never will. And if you’re thinking of using that against me, then stop now because I’m not playing games anymore.
Do you want to know why you’re not the first man to propose marriage to me? Because I was engaged once, and that man was also in love with me. So, unless you plan to kill him before the wedding or have a heart attack during the ceremony, I suggest that you stop trying to scare me into marrying you and just accept the fact that we’re getting married.”
With a snort, he pushed himself away from the fence and climbed down. “I’m sorry.”
“Why do you apologize so often?” I asked, watching as he walked toward the house.
“Because I know that I am no good for you, but I don’t care,” he explained as he stopped beside me. “I can’t live without you—not after spending nearly a whole day with you and realizing how much better you could make my life.”
I smiled and reached out to touch his arm lightly. “Come on, John.”
We walked in silence until we got inside and went upstairs where John grabbed his hat from the shelf and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“To meet some men.” He paused and glanced back at me. “You can stay here and wait for me.”
“Not likely,” I responded with a chuckle. “You should know by now that I prefer being around you rather than riding alone. Besides, I’m not about to leave you alone with these men.”
I followed behind him as we rode for ten minutes to the railroad station in town. It seemed odd that they were meeting there instead of having their clandestine meetings at the ranch. But then I remembered that it was only two miles from the railhead so maybe it wasn’t so strange. They had ridden here many times before.
“What are your plans when this is over?” I asked as John waited patiently for us to cross the street. “Are you going to come home or are you still planning on staying out west?”
“I’ll go wherever you’re at,” he promised, “because that’s the only place where I belong. The past few years have taught me that there are things about me that may not change, but I know you love me for who I am, and that makes me very happy.”
“And if this doesn’t work out?” I asked. “I’m afraid to ask because I know the answer.”
“Then we move on to Plan B,” he replied simply.
We didn’t say anything else until we reached the saloon. The door swung open as we approached, and then I heard loud voices. One voice sounded familiar to me, and when John opened the door, I looked into the smoky room and saw several men seated at the bar. They were drinking whiskey and singing a tune I knew well:
When the whistle blows on the train
It takes me right back again
Back to a time, I spent alone
A time that’s gone forever.
As I stepped inside, two of them turned to watch our approach. The one sitting closest to the doorway stood up and walked toward us. “Well, lookie here! What the devil kind of game is this?”
“I’ll tell you what kind of game,” I said coolly, “this is an ambush—a trap. We came here expecting to get answers from you and instead, we’ve got a beating.”
The man laughed harshly. “Now see here—”
“Don’t bother arguing, John,” I interrupted. “These men are killers and criminals.”
John stared at me in surprise. “What are you talking about?”
“How many men do you think have died because of these men and their evil ways?” I asked. “How many women are missing or dead? How many children were taken and forced into slavery or worse?” But one day, you’ll see that I mean you no harm. That’s all I ask of you. Please give me that much.”
“Of course, I will,” I answered and leaned back against the fence. My heart ached at the mention of another woman being involved with John. It hurt far worse than I expected it to.
“But first,” I continued, “you must promise to leave my husband alone.”
One man turned to glare at me. “That’s funny, ’cause my wife says you’re a liar and a whore. A real piece of work, she calls you.”
“I told her to stop calling me names,” I shot back as my anger flared. “She should know that you are the true enemy. You’re a thief and a murderer.”
Another man laughed as he slapped John on the shoulder. “See, John, she does know you. I knew you weren’t such a bad guy as long as you have a lady like this.” He looked pointedly at me. “And it looks like you found yourself quite a prize too.”
He turned to the other men. “Look at this little beauty standing next to your friend here.”
The three men chuckled.
“Let’s go outside and talk,” I suggested. “There shouldn’t be any trouble there.”
“Nonsense!” the man yelled. “No need to take this anywhere else where it can be seen by more people.” He turned to the bartender and nodded at John. “Take care of it, Joe.”
Joe looked at me in surprise, but then shrugged. “Go ahead. It’s none of my business.”
“I’ll be fine,” John assured him and pulled me forward with him as we left the saloon. “They’re only trying to scare us off by saying they’ll kill us if we don’t leave.”
“But why?” I asked, confused. “Why are you doing this? Why haven’t you stopped?”
“Because they’re making money hand over fist, and I’m tired of seeing others suffer,” he said, shrugging. “I just want to help you.”
“You could have done something else with your life besides taking advantage of other people,” I snapped back. “But no, you chose to become a criminal and now it seems you enjoy killing.”
“If that’s how you feel, let us go,” John said calmly. “It’s not worth your precious life.”
“Oh, but I don’t want to waste the pleasure of killing someone,” the man sneered. “So maybe you won’t mind if I kill you and keep you around as an example for your husband.”
I started to protest, but before I could, the man took his gun from its holster. The barrel pointed directly at my head. There was nowhere to run, and even if there were, he still had a second gun trained on me. I felt the cold sweat breaking out on my forehead as the gunman’s laughter echoed across the street.
“Come on, John,” I pleaded as my fear mounted. “Do something.”
“Can’t you stop this?” John said. “Are you afraid of dying?”
“Of course not,” I replied, my words coming out in a hoarse whisper. “But please, just try.”
“This is the way things have always been,” the man said softly. “You can’t change things by getting caught up in it.” He glanced at me as I stood motionless behind John. “Well?”
My eyes burned. My throat tightened at the thought of losing him. No, this wasn’t supposed to happen… Not here… Not yet. “Please,” I whispered hoarsely. “Just leave us alone.”
“All right.”
For a moment, silence reigned between us until the other gunmen joined the man who threatened John. They all grinned wickedly as they moved closer to us. “Where’s your husband tonight?” the man asked, his eyes darting quickly to my face. “Is he hiding from us?”
John didn’t answer, so the man smiled and turned away.
“We’ll find him later,” one of them called over his shoulder as he followed the others inside. “I bet he’ll regret leaving you alone tonight.”
With that, they disappeared down the alley. I heard them laugh and hoot loudly as they walked toward the saloon again.
I watched as John pulled a small object out of his pocket and handed it to me. I stared at it without recognizing what it was. Then I remembered. “It’s your gun,” I said quietly as I took it. “What did you mean about me getting myself killed? What do you plan on doing?”
“Don’t worry about anything except staying alive,” he answered with a sad shake of his head. “I’ll figure out something.”
“But… what are you going to do with all those guns?”
“Keep it as insurance that you will stay safe,” John said, giving me another reassuring smile. “And if anyone asks, I’ll say you were with me when I bought it.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I protested. “I’m not sure whether to believe you or not.”
“Trust me.” John’s voice was firm. “You’ll never be safer than you are right now.”
As the two of us stood there, I realized we couldn’t fight back against all these men. We needed some way to protect ourselves while we waited for him to come back and deal with this problem. But how?
***
The night wore on, and finally, after dark, John returned with four new guns and several more bullets. He also brought two horses and a wagon. With that, John gave me a quick hug and then headed back into the saloon.
After tying one horse to a nearby tree, he climbed aboard the other and headed toward town. I watched him until he disappeared around the corner of the building. Then, as much as I hated it, I decided to wait for him.
If he was going to help me, I would need time to get away from here. And once he was gone, there would be no reason for John to return to town. So I sat on the front steps of the old church and waited nervously for what seemed like an eternity.
I was so tense that my hands trembled violently, and my stomach roiled in nervous knots. The only sound outside was the wind rushing through the trees along the river. The smell of wood smoke drifted through the air as it floated lazily over to me.
A few birds sang in the distance, and the occasional car rumbled by on the road above us. It was a peaceful scene and very different from what had happened at the house earlier in the day.
A soft light came from beneath the closed doors of the church, and the creaking of the wooden hinges made me glance toward it. I saw a woman standing by the door looking at me. For a long moment, she looked uncertain as her hand slowly touched a silver cross hanging around her neck.
She appeared lost in her own thoughts before I waved at her to go inside. The woman hesitated; then she nodded as she hurried toward the church.
When the door shut behind her, the only sounds left were the chirping of a distant bird and the sighing breeze.
“Why are you really helping me?” I muttered softly to myself. “I mean, why would you help someone like me? You seem so nice.”
My words echoed hollowly off the brick walls of the building. As I stared at the empty street, a sense of hopelessness swept over me. How could I trust John with my life? What if I ended up dead just like Mary Ann? Or worse—what if I got pregnant with his child? I shuddered and shook my head.
I refused to think about that possibility. There must have been some mistake… Something told me that he wasn’t responsible for this horrible situation, but still, it didn’t make any difference. The only thing I could do now waited until John found a way to solve our problem and then get rid of him. Once he was gone, I’d be able to run and disappear forever.
I glanced around nervously as I searched for anything that might give me an advantage. My eyes landed on the large metal box sitting beside me. Suddenly, I knew what I wanted. If I could get inside that box, it would be easy to slip out of there unnoticed.
The thought made me smile. If all went well, John would never suspect what I was planning on doing.
Just as I reached for the box, the door behind me opened suddenly. I turned quickly just in time to see an older woman step out. Her gray hair was piled high atop her head with curls framing the side of her face. She had a gentle face that was marked by kindness. But there was an aura about her that told me she was no pushover.
“What are you doing sitting out here?” she asked with a disapproving frown.
I stood up, and my heart sank as I felt a twinge of guilt at what I was going to tell her. But then, maybe it was better that I kept my mouth shut. Better to let her think I was a criminal rather than someone who might end up killing her husband.
“Sorry,” I said in a low tone. “We were looking for shelter from the rain.”
“Well, I guess you can join me in here if you want.” The woman stepped into the church and motioned for me to follow. “But don’t touch my husband’s things!”
I gave her a confused look. “Our belongings are inside?”
“Yes, we’ve been sleeping in that big trunk upstairs. We’re not used to such rough accommodations.” She frowned in displeasure and pointed toward the open doorway. “You can take a nap in there while you wait for your friend to come back.”
She didn’t seem too happy about letting me stay, but since I needed to find a place where I could hide, it couldn’t hurt to ask anyway. Besides, it would save me from explaining what I was doing outside alone in the rain.
It was dark when I awoke. The church was quiet as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Outside the window, rain pattered against the glass in rhythmic patter-patters. I sat up slowly, and a wave of dizziness swept over me. I leaned against the wall, closed my eyes, and tried to concentrate.
As soon as the sun peeped over the horizon, a soft knock sounded on the church door. I slipped quietly into the hallway and peeked into the main room. It was empty. After listening carefully for several moments, I tiptoed to the stairway and climbed to the first landing. From there, I followed a narrow corridor that led to another hall where I heard voices coming from.
“Did you find any trace of Mary Ann or her killer?”
“No, and neither did Chief Johnson.”
“Well, there’s nothing we can do until tomorrow afternoon.”
“Then I guess we’ll have to spend another night here.”
“If you want me to, I can stay in the church tonight.” A familiar male voice came next.
My heart pounded loudly as I listened to their conversation. Could it be John? If so, why was he talking to his wife about Mary Ann? I pressed my ear against the crack in the door.
“I’m sure you don’t mind spending the evening alone, Tom,” John said. “Don’t you?”
“Not one bit, John. Why should I care if there’s no woman around? You know me—I’m an old bachelor. I’d rather spend the night here with you than in the same room as a woman.”
“That’s good to hear.” He laughed softly as he spoke. “I think we can both use a little rest after yesterday’s events.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” his wife replied as she cleared her throat. “I’d better get back downstairs. Maybe we’ll have luck tomorrow.”
A cold chill crept down my spine as I remembered the conversation between John and Mary Ann. That was exactly what they were discussing last night. Had he found out about the murder before I did? What was he hiding? And if so, how long had he known about it?
After she left, I returned to my spot in the corridor and waited silently. Just as I began to relax, Tom’s footsteps echoed on the floor above me as he walked down the stairs.
I held my breath and listened to every sound he made before finally whispering, “Are you sure about this?”
John nodded. “This is the only way I can protect my family.”
“And it’s working?” I asked, surprised at the man’s calm demeanor.
“For now.” John looked me straight in the eye. “But you’d better leave as soon as possible, Miss…?”
“Barton.” My heart skipped a beat as his name sounded on his lips. “Do you really believe someone will find out who killed Mary Ann? Or that you can keep me from knowing?”
His brows rose in surprise. “I told you, there’s nothing to worry about. This plan has been under discussion for several days now. The townspeople think we’re still looking for Mary Ann, not that we’re hiding a killer.”
“But Mary Ann—”
“Wasn’t exactly a nice person.” John glanced away. “The only thing that makes her death hard to swallow is that she didn’t deserve to die like that.” His eyes narrowed, and he looked me up and down. “Why are you wearing her clothes anyway, Barton? Did she give them to you?”
I stared at him in confusion. “What?”
He sighed heavily, and his gaze softened. “I’m sorry, I just assumed—”
“We’re going to get rid of those clothes soon anyway, so stop worrying yourself about it.”
Relief washed over me. “Thank you.”
“Now, you’ll need your things if you want to catch us before we reach Cheyenne. We should be leaving by midafternoon. Can you find your way home?”
“Yes, I’m already dressed and ready.”
“Good,” John smiled faintly. “Well, then, let’s go.”
I followed John back outside, but he paused as he noticed me staring at the horse. “Is something wrong?”
“No, I just never rode a horse before.” I reached toward the animal. “Can I?”
“Sure.” He lifted the saddle off the ground, and I quickly mounted the animal as John swung behind me on his own horse. With both our horses saddled, we set out at a trot toward the barn.
“Where do you live, Miss Barton?”
“Here in the town square.”
“It looks small from here.”
I grinned. “There’s plenty of space to spare.”
“How many people reside here?”
“About two hundred.”
“You’re sure you won’t come with us?” Tom asked as we reached the barn. “At least until we reach Cheyenne?”
“I don’t think I could stand being around a lot of people.”
“Then I guess we’ll see you later.” He gave me a gentle smile. “Be careful on your way home.”
“Thank you.” I patted the horse’s neck.
As much as I wanted to stay, I knew I would cause more trouble for John if I did. If the murderer found me and learned why I was there, I’d be doomed. It was best for everyone if I left right away.
I turned away from the barn and walked across the street toward my house. As I climbed the steps to the front porch, I heard voices from inside. I stopped, wondering what it could mean, but when I opened the door, all thoughts of a murder investigation disappeared.
The End