Pearl Of My Heart
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“Papa! Papa!” Pearl cried, looking at her father. He looked back and smiled. Then he winked. His dark brown hair was tousled from his sleep and he had on an old-fashioned white shirt with a collar. The light from the lamp glinted in his hazel eyes.
He still held onto her hand as she sat on the edge of his bed and pulled the quilt over him to cover himself. She curled into the crook of his arm and cuddled against his chest. She couldn’t tell if he was happy or sad.
“Pearl.” His voice sounded like it did when he called her to the barn after feeding the animals in the early mornings. “Pearl,” he said again softly, almost whispering so that only she would hear, and then kissed her head. She’d loved those moments with her father more than anything else in this world. Now he’s going to die, and I’ll never get them back.
He was dying. There were no words to describe the pain that pierced through her heart and gut. But he didn’t have to die. If she could just find the cure. How much longer would he live? Five years? Ten? Or did time run out for everyone who was sick?
Her fingers fisted in the quilt and her stomach churned. It’s all my fault, all because I didn’t listen. What would happen now if her father died? Did her mother know that he’d gotten sick from drinking beer? Would her mother ever forgive me? No!
She couldn’t think that way. There had been times when their parents weren’t getting along. Their father hadn’t liked the way her mother always argued with him over little things. It was so strange because Pearl’s mother was only five feet tall but her father was six foot two.
When her mother had tried to take the farm away from him, he’d refused to let her. She couldn’t believe he was dying. He was a good man.
Pearl pressed her ear against his chest as she listened. A faint wheeze escaped her father’s lungs. His heartbeat sounded so strong and steady. Was it possible he might live another twenty or thirty years? Why wouldn’t God give her more time with him?
She sniffled, pressing her face against his neck. She wished he’d never got sick. “I’m sorry, Papa,” she whispered. “It’ll be all right.” She knew that was a lie, but she couldn’t bear the thought of him dying before her. The moment turned into seconds, which slipped by like wisps of gray smoke.
The next morning Pearl woke to the smell of bread baking. The house was dark and quiet. She could hear a woman’s voice coming from downstairs. She knew that voice.
“Cora,” Pearl called, but no one answered. She got up quietly, took off her nightgown, and put on her petticoat and skirt. Then she ran down the stairs. The light in the kitchen was dim. She saw Cora in the corner of the room near the sink washing dishes.
She looked tired and her eyes were red from crying. Pearl felt a sudden stab of pity for her mother. Her father would die before she did, and then what would happen?
Pearl walked over to the table. She had to say something. But nothing came to mind. The last few days she’d been thinking of how to ask Cora for money, and now there was no time left.
Cora didn’t look at her. “What are you doing here so early?” she asked, wiping a wet cloth over the silverware. “Shouldn’t you be in bed?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” Pearl said, trying to sound as cheerful as possible. “Are we having breakfast soon?”
“We can have some fruit if you’re hungry,” Cora said. “I made some bread for you. Your father likes to have bread with butter on it every morning when he wakes up.” She paused. “Pearl, I know your father is very sick,” she said quietly. Pearl felt like a heavy weight settled onto her chest. “Your father wants you to go to California with him.”
Pearl stood in shock, unable to say a word. Then she blinked rapidly. “Papa! You can’t!”
“I’m not leaving until he does,” Cora said, setting a plate of sliced apples on the table.
Pearl’s stomach churned. If she had the money, she could make it to San Francisco. Even if she was robbed, she could survive for a while. Her father might be sick but he was still her father. Why should he die before she did? What good would that do?
Cora was crying now too. “He says it’ll be a good place for you to live, and that he can buy you a farm in Los Angeles.”
“No, Mama!” Pearl shook her head. “You don’t understand, Papa told me yesterday to leave this house tomorrow, and then he won’t get sick.” She could hardly believe she’d said it out loud. She tried to keep her voice calm. “Why, Mama? Why are you telling me that?”
Cora’s lips trembled as she set the tray aside. “I’m sorry, Pearl. But it’s for his own good. He needs to get away from all of us. Don’t you think you owe him that much?”
Pearl couldn’t breathe. It was so unfair. How could her father do that to her mother? Why couldn’t he tell her about this himself? And why didn’t he trust her not to run off without telling him where she was going? She wouldn’t do such a thing.
Pearl got up and hurried back upstairs. She rushed through the hall to her room, dropped her clothes onto the floor, and fell on her bed, staring at the ceiling. She kept seeing the faces of those she loved to fade away like wisps of gray smoke. They weren’t even gone when they were dead.
The next morning Pearl left for town with her father. The last night she’d stayed home was the only time he hadn’t wanted her to go. She knew she should have been grateful for another day alone with her father, but now she wished that he’d taken her with him. Maybe then her father would live for many more years. But now that the moment had come, she couldn’t bear it.
Her father’s body had sunken so low she thought she’d have to stoop over to look into his face. Her heart pounded in her chest as she helped him into the wagon. She didn’t want him to leave, but there was nothing she could do. She just sat in the wagon while his horses moved slowly down the graveled lane. He looked at her one last time and then turned away and closed his eyes.
It was very quiet in the wagon after they left the house behind. Pearl stared out at the hills. There were still plenty of green leaves on the trees and even some flowers, but no other sign of spring.
“Are you sure he’s all right?” Pearl asked, breaking the silence.
“Yes,” Cora said. “I’m not worried about him anymore.”
Pearl felt the tears stinging her eyes. When she tried to wipe them away, her hand came back smeared with dirt. How long would the winter last? Was her father going to die here?
The wagon stopped at a railroad station and two men jumped down from the freight car and hurried toward the passenger section. She heard one of them call out, “Ladies and gentlemen, your train is ready to depart. Please get off the platform.”
“Wait!” Pearl cried. The man had already disappeared inside the boxcars. She stood paralyzed. Should she stay or go? If she got on board, could she make it to San Francisco? She wasn’t sure she was strong enough.
A whistle shrieked and the first freight car lurched into motion. Pearl ran down the ramp with Cora beside her. But when they reached the ticket counter, the man on duty wouldn’t let either of them on. “We’re waiting for an engineer and a conductor to take over this train.”
“What will we do?” Pearl asked, her voice quivering. “Will our father catch up with us later?”
“No, ma’am. They’ve stopped to pick up a load of lumber.”
Cora stepped up to the counter. “We need to leave right now!”
The station master turned to Pearl. “How are you and your mother getting there?”
“I’m riding the train with my father.”
“Are you a relative of his?”
“Yes. He’s sick and can’t travel alone.”
He handed her a ticket and waved her toward the train. “Go on board.”
Pearl started for the second freight car, but Cora caught her arm. “Wait!” She snatched her purse out of Pearl’s hand. “If anyone asks where your father is going, tell them he went west to see relatives.”
“But—”
“Don’t say a word to me about this,” Cora said. “Just promise to keep it a secret.”
Pearl nodded, wondering what other secrets Cora had been keeping from her. But she couldn’t help worrying about her father. Had she just sent him into danger?
Pearl boarded the train. Cora followed her inside. It was like entering an oven. The air was stuffy and thick. She had to force herself to breathe. The second passenger car seemed much smaller than the first one. She hoped their father would be all right in there.
As the train pulled out of the station, Cora reached into her purse. She handed Pearl a coin. “You might need this.”
Pearl stared at the coin in her palm. There were still a few dimes left and maybe some pennies, too. Her father always kept his change in the bottom of his pocketbook. Pearl nodded.
Cora got off and hurried back to the station, leaving Pearl behind. She sat on her seat and put her hands over her eyes. If Cora hadn’t told Pearl about the train, she could have gone with her father. Maybe then her father would live to see San Francisco. Then he wouldn’t be alone anymore.
Pearl rubbed her hand against her forehead. This was getting worse and worse. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take. But it didn’t matter what happened now. She had a responsibility to her mother and herself. She had to get to San Francisco. That was the only hope for her father and she was going to see that he lived.
The train made its way through the hills. It slowed when they approached another small station, but neither the ticket man nor the engineer had anything to do with the train, so she boarded without incident.
When the conductor came by, she handed him her ticket and told him she needed to get off the train.
“Are you certain?”
“Yes, I’m just taking a walk.”
“Your train will be here soon,” he said.
She followed his directions to a siding where a long freight car stood idle. She took out the coin Cora gave her and started to walk down the tracks. They stopped at two more stations before reaching a city she’d never seen. It looked as if they were going to stop here. She wanted to run off, but she knew that was impossible. Cora would catch up with her.
She had to make it through the night.
***
Pearl felt like she’d been walking forever. Her feet hurt and her throat was parched. She pressed on. Wherever she went, the streets seemed to be narrow. At one point, she saw a man looking down at something in the gutter. She recognized him. It was the blacksmith from the ranch. He squinted against the setting sun and scowled at her.
Pearl hurried past. When she reached the main street, she noticed that the people there weren’t dressed as nicely as the ones on the ranch. She wasn’t sure what she was looking for or even exactly how to find it.
But she kept on until she saw a sign above a pawn shop: BABYSITTING FOR CASH! She went inside. A man about thirty years old waited behind the counter. “What can I do for you, young lady?”
“I’m looking for a job. Can you tell me where I might find one?”
“Why don’t you come back tomorrow morning? We hire people in the afternoon.”
Pearl was tired of waiting. “But that’s hours away!”
The man grinned. “You’re in luck. Come on out front with me.”
He led her around to the back of the building and pointed to a door. “That’s where we put the children. There are two here right now. You can help me get them ready for bed and then they’ll fall asleep. And you can play games with them until you go home.”
Pearl shook her head. “No. I mean I want to work here. That’s not enough money.”
“Hmm—” The man reached into his pocket. He handed Pearl a ten-dollar gold piece.
Pearl was stunned. “How did you know I was going to ask for this?”
“Because you’re smart,” he said. “And because you don’t need to be a babysitter. We pay three dollars an hour for that.”
Pearl hesitated. She’d always been taught that the only way to have anything was to earn it. But she couldn’t think of any other options. “When do I start?”
“Tomorrow.”
Pearl nodded and smiled. “Thank you,” she said, reaching for the door.
The man opened it for her. When they passed through, Pearl thought she heard him call out her name, but it was too dark outside for her to see anyone else. She took a few steps out of the door, but she didn’t hear anyone calling. Then she turned around and hurried back to the office.
The man was in the back, playing checkers with two boys. They were still awake and excited about what had happened. “Did you hear that?” one asked. “She’s our new babysitter!”
Pearl smiled and tried not to look nervous. She looked around the room. One wall was covered with pictures of people and animals. All the frames were broken or missing their glass.
“It’s time for bed,” she said. “Let me put them down.”
They both rushed forward, grabbed her hands, and led her to the two beds.
“Go on,” the younger boy urged. “I’ll wait.”
Pearl lifted each one to bed, and took off their shoes and pajamas. Then she kissed them good night and tucked them in. The younger boy kept glancing at the older, but the older didn’t say anything.
When she returned to the front of the building, the man was sitting at his desk writing something. She could only see part of his face because he’d lowered the blinds, but she didn’t recognize him. She was about to walk by when he suddenly turned away from his work. His face was so close to hers that she could smell the cigar smoke. “Do you know this girl?”
Pearl stared up at him.
The man looked down. “No,” he finally said. “She’s just an innocent child.”
Pearl’s hands curled into fists.
“We’ll have to watch her better from now on,” the man added. “Don’t leave the door unlocked again, will you?”
Pearl nodded.
He reached for her hand. She took it. But instead of leading her back out, he led her to the door and closed it behind her.
“Where are we going?” Pearl asked.
“To my room. We’ll go there until tomorrow morning.”
The man led her down a short flight of stairs to what seemed like another apartment. There were two rooms and a small kitchen. A dirty table with three chairs sat in the middle of the floor. The man left the door open, but he told her she had to lock it when she went to bed.
He put the key on a hook near the window. When she took off her hat, she found that her hair was full of dust. She ran her fingers through the strands and pulled them over one shoulder. “I hope you have clean sheets,” she said, looking around.
The man smiled. “You can wash the ones here. They’re yours now. But I’d advise against using the bathroom.”
Pearl was still wearing her good clothes. She hadn’t thought to change when she got the gold piece. And it didn’t seem worth the trouble to dress up again.
“There’s no water,” he said, walking to his bedroom. “But don’t worry. You won’t need to use the bathroom tonight. Don’t forget to lock the door!”
Pearl followed him to the bed, feeling strangely awkward. Then he shut the door. He told her to take off her clothes and then lie down on the mattress. He took off his jacket, rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, and laid back on the bed.
Pearl sat on the edge of the bed. She was tired. “Why am I here?” she whispered. “This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of.”
“Don’t ask me,” he said. “You know what they say about things that happen in threes.” He leaned toward her and kissed her. Pearl jumped away.
The man grinned. “That was an accident. I just wanted to see you.”
Pearl shook her head and walked back to the door. He grabbed her. She managed to slip through the door before he could close it. She ran into his room. The lamp was still lit, but it wasn’t giving off much light. Her hand brushed over the mattress as she looked around, wondering which drawer to open.
He entered the room. “You’re so beautiful,” he said. “So innocent. It would be a waste to keep you here.”
“Where did you get these clothes?” she asked. “You stole them.”
“Yes, I stole your clothes. Now we’re even.” He pushed her hair back from her face and bent to kiss her. She tried to push him away, but he didn’t seem to notice. His hands moved down her body until he cupped her sex. Then he turned her around to sit on his lap.
“Don’t!” she gasped. “I’m not like that.”
“Oh, no,” he murmured. “You’re exactly what I want.”
His hands roamed all over her body. When he touched her, she was shocked at how different it was from when she’d been with him in the office. It was so impersonal.
Pearl started to turn around again.
“No,” he said. “We’re not finished yet.”
He took out his cigar. “Take it off.”
“It’s not a good idea to smoke in here.”
“Smoke or don’t,” he said, lighting up. “But you’re going to have to wear this.” He handed her the cigarette. Pearl held it between her teeth while she watched him take a drag. “That’s so funny!” he said, exhaling. “You can’t smoke it. But you can kiss me.” He pulled her closer, his mouth covering hers.
She was too tired and hungry to think of anything but his lips on hers. She finally remembered his cigars. “Are you sure?” she asked, taking it from her mouth.
“Absolutely. Now come here.”
Pearl leaned against him. His hands were so strong. The smoke made her dizzy. It seemed as though the room was moving. She couldn’t fight him. All she wanted was for things to stop. His hands moved to her thighs. She was trapped and unable to move away. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmured. “So innocent. It would be a waste to keep you here.”
Pearl couldn’t speak. Her eyes closed as she felt herself being pushed onto the bed. A loud pop echoed in her ears, and she could barely hear herself moan. “You’ll like this,” he whispered in her ear. “Don’t worry. I’ll make it feel good. You just lie back and enjoy it. There are a lot worse ways to die than being with me.”
The End