Only I Can Change My Life
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I’ve been thinking about what you said. You’re right, of course—there’s no reason why a person can’t change their life for the better if they want to badly enough and are willing to work hard at it. But there is one thing that bothers me: how do we know when someone has changed?
How will anyone ever be able to tell whether or not our lives have improved once we start working on them? It seems like an impossible task! What should we look out for in order to make sure that things really have gotten better?”
“Well,” replied Kikiou with a smile, “if you ask me personally, then I’d say that all you need to do is take your own feelings into account.” He paused briefly before continuing his answer. Then he added, “But even so…you’ll probably never find any answers by asking yourself such questions as ‘How am I doing?’ or ‘Am I getting anywhere?'”
Kikiou was silent again after this last remark; but just as soon as he had spoken these words, he broke off abruptly and began looking around him intently. His eyes were fixed upon something far away from where he sat. The two men who stood behind him also looked up suddenly and turned toward the direction of his gaze.
They saw nothing unusual in the sky above them, however. There wasn’t anything particularly strange about the clouds drifting slowly across the blue expanse of heaven. And yet, both men felt a sudden chill run down their spines. A moment later, though, the feeling passed without either man saying another word.
After a few more moments’ silence, Kikiou spoke again. “You see, my friend, you don’t actually need to worry too much about finding some sort of objective standard by which to measure your progress. After all, if you try to set goals based solely on other people’s opinions, you might end up making mistakes along the way.
For example, suppose you wanted to become rich. If everyone else told you that money doesn’t matter very much, would you still go ahead and pursue wealth anyway? Of course not!”
The young man nodded silently. This time, Kikiou continued speaking directly to him. “In fact, most people aren’t interested in becoming wealthy because they think it’s important. Instead, they simply want others to respect them for having lots of cash.
That’s why many people spend years trying to accumulate large amounts of money only to discover that, when push comes to shove, none of those material possessions mean anything to them anymore. In short, being concerned with what other people think isn’t going to help you achieve success.
Sooner or later, you’ll realize that you’ve made a mistake somewhere along the line. As a result, you won’t feel satisfied with your accomplishments, and you may even lose interest in pursuing further achievements altogether.”
As Kikiou finished talking, he glanced over at the two men standing beside him. Both of them seemed surprised by what he had just said, although neither showed any signs of discomfort. When he noticed their expressions, however, he smiled gently and shook his head slightly.
“Don’t misunderstand me, though,” he went on quickly. “It certainly makes sense to consider the opinions of others when deciding how best to live your life. However, you shouldn’t let yourself get carried away by outside influences. Ultimately, it’s up to each individual to decide for himself exactly what kind of person he wants to be. No one else can determine your fate except yourself.”
He stopped speaking here and gazed thoughtfully into space for several seconds before turning back to face the young man sitting opposite him.
“Now then, my friend,” he asked quietly, “what did you come to talk to me about today?”
When he heard this question, the young man hesitated momentarily. Then he took a deep breath and started telling Kikiou everything that had happened since he first met him earlier that day. By the time he had finished explaining his entire story, he realized that he had already spent nearly three hours chatting with Kikiou. At least, he hadn’t left until now.
A few minutes later, Kikiou rose to his feet and walked over to stand next to the window. From there, he stared out at the city below. Although he didn’t turn around, he could hear the sound of footsteps approaching from behind him. Turning around, he found that the young man had followed him over to the windowsill.
“So, what do you plan to do?” Kikiou finally asked.
The young man shrugged his shoulders helplessly. “I’m not quite sure myself. All I know is that I have to leave Tokyo immediately. Once I arrive in Kyoto, I’ll figure out what to do from there…”
At this point, Kikiou reached forward and placed his hand firmly on top of the young man’s shoulder. He gave the boy a warm smile and said, “My dear friend, I believe you’re mistaken. You mustn’t make the same mistake that so many people are prone to making: thinking that you need to travel long distances in order to change your destiny.”
Then he turned around and faced the young man once again. “If you really want to escape from the past, all you need to do is look within yourself—to examine your heart and soul. Only then will you understand what needs to happen next.”
Kikiou paused briefly as he looked deeply into the young man’s eyes. The expression on his face was serious but also filled with compassion. Finally, after studying the youth’s features carefully, he added, “However, you should never forget that no matter where you go, you always carry your own self with you wherever you go. And whatever happens, remember this: It’s better to die than to give up hope.”
***
Several days passed without incident. On the morning of October 8th, however, the young man received an unexpected phone call from someone who claimed to be a member of the Yakuza. After hearing the caller’s name, the young man felt certain that the voice belonged to a former classmate named Shigeru.
Shigeru had been a good student during his junior high school years. But ever since entering college, he’d become increasingly involved in illegal activities. Eventually, he became a full-fledged gangster. His criminal record included numerous convictions for assault, robbery, and extortion. Even worse, he had killed more than ten people in cold blood.
Although the young man knew very little about Shigeru’s background, he still remembered his old friend well enough to recognize his voice. Since he couldn’t imagine anyone else calling him at such an early hour, he decided to answer the phone.
After exchanging greetings, the young man explained that he wasn’t currently living in Japan. When the caller insisted that he needed to speak with him right away, however, he reluctantly agreed to meet with him later that evening.
That night, the young man arrived at a restaurant located near the center of town. As soon as he stepped inside, he saw a familiar face waiting for him. This time, however, the man wore a suit instead of a black leather jacket.
“You don’t mind if we sit down somewhere private, do you?” he asked politely.
The young man nodded silently. They sat across from each other at a small table set off to one side of the room. For a while, they simply exchanged pleasantries. Then, when the waiter brought their drinks, the man began asking questions.
“What brings you here? Are you planning to stay in Kyoto?”
The young man smiled wryly and replied, “No, actually… I just came by to say hello.”
“Oh?”
“Yes, it seems like I’ve got some unfinished business with you.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, something pretty important has happened recently. So I wanted to see how things were going with you guys.”
As the two men continued talking, the young man told the man about the events that had taken place in Tokyo. He described the strange encounter with Kikiou, the bizarre conversation with the young woman, and the mysterious telephone call from Shigeru.
He went on to explain that he had returned to Kyoto because he thought he might find answers to his questions among the members of the yakuza community. However, although several of them seemed willing to help him, none of them would tell him anything concrete. Instead, they kept insisting that he return home and wait patiently for further instructions.
Finally, the young man concluded his story by saying, “And then yesterday afternoon, I ran into Shigeru. We talked for a few minutes, but he wouldn’t tell me any details either. In fact, he acted kind of weird, almost as though he didn’t even know who I was!”
When the young man finished speaking, the man sitting across from him remained silent for a moment before responding. “Well, that certainly sounds interesting,” he remarked casually. “But why did you come back to Kyoto anyway?”
“To ask you that question, actually. Why are you here?”
“Why am I here? Well…” The man hesitated for a second or so, then said, “I’m not sure exactly what to make of everything that’s happening lately. You probably already guessed this, but my real name isn’t Shigeru. My friends call me ‘Takashi,’ which means ‘the fox.’ That’s sort of a nickname, you could say.”
“So you’re Takashi, huh?”
“Right. Anyway, there’s a lot I can’t talk about over the phone. If you really want to hear all the gory details, let’s get together sometime and have dinner. How does that sound?”
“Sure! Sounds great.”
“All right, then. Let’s try to arrange something for next week. What day is best for you?”
“Anyday’s fine. Just pick a date and send me an email.”
“Okay, I’ll do that. See ya.”
With those words, the man hung up the phone. Once again, silence fell upon the young man’s apartment.
A few hours later, the young man received an e-mail message from the man he had met earlier that evening. It contained a simple invitation:
Dear Mr. Yamada,
It looks like we finally found a time to meet. Would Tuesday, November 3rd work for you?
If possible, please reply by Monday, October 26th. Otherwise, I will assume that your schedule won’t allow us to meet until after Thanksgiving.
Sincerely,
Takashi (aka Shigeru)
***
On Wednesday morning, the young man left his house and headed toward the train station. After buying a ticket and boarding the first car, he took out his cell phone and called a number listed in the address book.
“Hello?” answered a female voice.
“Hi, it’s me. Is this Aya?”
“Who wants to know?” she responded curtly.
“My name is Kenji Yamada. Remember? I used to live in the same building as you.”
There was another brief pause before the woman spoke again. “Kenji? Oh yeah, I remember now. Sorry, I guess I must be getting old. But hey, where are you calling from? And what are you doing?”
“I’m in Kyoto. I just moved here last month. Do you still go to school?”
“School? No way. Not anymore. I graduated three years ago. Now I’m working full-time at a company downtown.”
“Wow, that’s cool. Where’d you end up?”
“At a bank. They hired me straight out of college. I’m a junior accountant.”
“That’s great! Congratulations. Hey, listen, I’m sorry if I sounded rude when I picked up the other night. I wasn’t trying to ignore you; I just forgot to turn off my answering machine.”
“Don’t worry about it. Actually, I think I owe you an apology too. When I saw you hanging around outside our front door, I figured maybe you were one of the girls’ boyfriends looking for her.”
“No problem. So how long has it been since you’ve seen each other?”
“About four months. She came home for summer vacation, but then she went back to Tokyo right away.”
The young man listened intently as the girl talked. Then he asked, “What happened between you guys?”
“Nothing much. We broke up.” There was a short pause, followed by the sound of someone clearing their throat. “Listen, I gotta run. Can you give me a call tomorrow?”
“Yeah, no prob.”
After ending the call, the young man sat quietly on the train for a while, thinking hard. He couldn’t help wondering whether the reason they had broken up might have something to do with the mysterious events taking place in Kyoto these days.
He arrived at the station and boarded the express bus bound for Kinkaku-ji Temple. As soon as he stepped onto the temple grounds, he noticed a group of people gathered near the main gate. Curious, he walked over to see what was going on.
When he got close enough, he realized that the crowd consisted mostly of middle-aged men wearing suits. One of them spotted him and waved.
“Hey, Kenji!”
“Oh, hi,” replied the young man. “How did you find me?”
“We looked through your address book and called everyone who lived nearby. Turns out you didn’t change addresses, so we thought you would come here eventually.”
“Thanks for helping me look. By the way, why are you all standing around here?”
“Well…we’re waiting to catch a glimpse of the new abbot.”
“New abbot? Who’s that?”
“You don’t know?” The man shook his head. “Sorry, I should have told you sooner. You probably wouldn’t care anyway. This guy is famous. His real name is Takashi Miyamoto, but everybody calls him ‘Shigeru.’ He’s the son of a former abbot. Apparently, he was born into the priesthood.”
“Born into the priesthood? What does that mean?”
“Apparently, he was conceived during a secret ceremony conducted by the previous abbot. That’s why nobody knows anything about him except his father’s name.”
“Wait a minute—you said he’s the son of the current abbot, right?”
“Yes. In fact, his dad died only two weeks ago. Right after the funeral service, Shigeru became the new abbot.”
“But wait a second. If he’s already dead…”
“Right. It turns out there’s some kind of strange story behind it. Supposedly, the new abbot’s mother committed suicide shortly afterward. Nobody really understands what happened, though.”
“Suicide? How could anyone kill themselves like that?”
“Nobody seems to know. Anyway, the whole thing sounds pretty weird to us ordinary folks. But apparently, the priests believe everything will work itself out somehow. They say the new abbot has special powers or something.”
The End