Ocean Symbolism
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In this symbolistic form, the ocean is represented by the water of the river.
In the same way, a symbol can be defined in many ways: as a symbol, the “ocean” is also a symbol of the “river”, so one could say that the “ocean” has become a river; or, alternatively, one might say it was only an illusion—a kind of optical illusion which the eye had been misled into seeing, and that it would now have to take care not to mistake one for another.
But if we are talking about the symbolic meaning of this phenomenon (for, as I have already said, these symbols are always more than mere words), then what do you think? Does this seem right to me too?:
The water of the river and the sea
This is why people who come from far away and see our country for the first time often exclaim, “Ah! how little we knew!” The fact that the whole thing happened with no warning at all did not prevent us from having a good laugh over it.
When they came back from their holiday abroad, those from my generation began to speak more and more of their own countries—the “salt in the ocean”; while I myself had never been to America. They were all laughing together when I heard them. This was what we talked about on my return to school.
The next day after I got back from summer vacation, a girl whom I had never seen before approached me. She looked at me intently. She was an old friend of mine. We had always been friends but suddenly she seemed a stranger. I felt like crying… I asked her if anything had happened during the holidays.
When I arrived home from vacation, they all greeted me, smiling, saying, “I’m glad to see you back.” Then they told me about the river’s appearance. My friend who had just come back from a trip to Paris came and shook my hand with an anxious expression on his face, saying: “It seems that you are a little upset.
Do not worry, there will be nothing to complain about. You know, we have been talking about the river’s disappearance…”
And so I went back to class with an indescribably sad feeling. There was no denying it, it wasn’t the end of the world. If it hadn’t occurred to him in the first place, then we would probably never even have imagined such a thing.
And yet the fact remains: if this is how we interpret this, it means that we are not prepared to recognize that the sea is part of our life, just as much as our own body.
But there must surely be something we can say about it. It cannot be denied that there was some sort of a change in the atmosphere among us. Everyone was very silent and serious—they had lost their sense of humor, and they didn’t joke anymore.
The river’s absence made things seem different—it made us all feel sad. Even the girls were not joking and laughing as usual. The boys, meanwhile, were full of jokes and chatter, playing with each other as if they had lost their senses of reason.
As soon as I got home, I took off my uniform and put on something lighter and cooler. I decided to go out and have a swim in the sea. At first, however, I felt a deep sadness at having to leave my mother and father alone in this house. I thought, “What’s the point of coming back from vacation?”
And then when I was swimming in the water, my mood changed. Suddenly there was light and color everywhere around me, which brought a smile to my face. For a moment, I wanted to stop everything and stay where I was. But then I remembered that I needed to get home to help Mother.
My parents had taken the children on a tour to look for a suitable place to live, so she had not yet returned from her journey. So I ran back up to school.
My family members welcomed me joyfully with their usual warmth and hospitality, and it seemed as though they did not notice the gloom that hung over our lives.
They seemed happy to see me because they couldn’t understand how the river could have vanished without anyone noticing—even though it was true that Mother and Father weren’t aware of anything strange until they saw me returning from summer vacation.
It was the same in the classroom. There were no more laughs, no jokes, no laughter—we were all gloomy. We spoke quietly and seriously in whispers to one another. A new silence had begun between us all, and it was not clear what to do.
The boys were silent; the girls remained in their seats without speaking. I wondered whether we had forgotten how to talk. As I watched them, my heart ached.
I remember a certain incident during which the whole class burst out laughing. One of my classmates, whose name was Tanya, was trying hard to make everyone laugh. She was an attractive girl with long dark hair. She was also a very kind girl who helped me when I was in trouble.
I liked her very much. She always spoke to me warmly and kindly whenever we met outside the classroom. When she saw my face looking as gloomy as it had done that evening, she approached me and said, “Miss! Come here!”
She was standing in front of my desk. Her face was flushed and her eyes shone with tears. All I could hear was the sound of my heart beating as if it was breaking. She held out her hands for me and said, “You don’t have to be so downhearted—come on, Miss, let’s go for a swim.”
“Yes,” I said, “let’s go for a swim. Thank you for telling me that.”
After that, it became difficult to keep track of time. The sun sank, and the sky was covered by a thick fog.
It was a day before school ended. As soon as I came into the classroom, there was a group of boys standing behind me, staring at me—all except Mr. Minkoff. He was still reading his paper, so he didn’t see my entrance.
His glasses rested on the end of his nose, and he looked at me over them. It was almost as though we had known each other forever. It was not until later that I noticed his expression. He smiled, and his eyes lit up as bright as the stars.
I sat down next to Mother and Father and told them the whole story. I was glad to have found my friend again. They seemed to agree with what I said.
When I told them that I had seen Tanya’s face after leaving school, they understood why I was so sad and unhappy.
Tanya’s mother was a good-looking woman who worked in fashion, and so the family was well-to-do, unlike ours. And since Tanya had been so generous to me, Mother and Father asked me to come along too, and pay for the boat fare with my pocket money.
I agreed—it seemed like an adventure, and I wanted to spend more time with Mother and Father. Besides, Tanya would come with us, and she was my best friend.
I remember Mother and Father being happy when I mentioned this. But Mother was also upset by the way my attitude had changed. She kept asking me questions about the weather and whether it was cloudy or sunny—she was concerned whether I knew any other way of talking than “good-bye”.
“No,” I said. “Thank you very much.”
That night, I went downstairs to tell Mother how things had gone on our trip to see Father and Tanya, but she wasn’t there.
Mother hadn’t been feeling well, so she stayed at home. The children and I left early in the morning and went on foot toward the riverbank. It took some time getting through the town, and then we walked across fields for a little while and crossed another bridge.
I was relieved not to find Mr. Minkoff alone, although I was sure that she had already gone to meet him. I didn’t want to think about Tanya and Mr. Minkoff together.
“Goodbye, Mother!” I called.
The children and I waved goodbye to our father. Then we started walking back home. We had taken a shortcut that led us past the church and a few old houses. As we turned into the path that led to our house, I heard a loud shout from inside.
Tanya’s voice rang out loudly and clearly—she must have been waving her hands above her head. Father stopped in his tracks and pointed at a small boat moored near the gate: it was tied up to a large oak tree, and there were two men sitting in it. They both jumped out of their boat with excitement when they saw our party approaching.
I could hear her singing as I approached the house, and Father stopped in surprise when he caught sight of me coming up to them. There was a momentary silence as we listened to her sweet, clear voice. She was sitting down in the middle of the boat, and she seemed to be singing to herself.
I couldn’t help myself. My eyes filled with tears. I was overwhelmed by the fact that I had never imagined my parents’ happiness. I had seen them smiling and laughing many times, but that evening I finally realized how happy they were. It felt as if Tanya was saying thank you to Mother and Father for taking care of her.
When Tanya’s voice faded, the three of us sat down at the table, and Father brought our drinks. He poured me a cup of tea as warm and fragrant as summer flowers. As the sun set outside, he lit a candle and placed it on the window ledge beside my glass of water. The air around us was still and silent. The only thing I could hear was the rustling of leaves and the gentle breathing of Mother.
“Thank you for inviting me,” I said.
My father nodded. He seemed to be listening closely to something—or someone—outside the room. I glanced at him and saw that he had already removed his glasses. He gave me a reassuring smile.
I took a sip of cold tea. Father and I were both still wearing our jackets and coats, although we had stripped off our ties. He put down his glass of water, which now looked as thin and fragile as a wisp of smoke, and leaned over to pat my hand.
As I looked back at Mother and Tanya, I saw them sitting next to one another and gazing at each other. Both were smiling. For some reason, I felt a pang of jealousy and sadness.
“You know how you’ve always thought about your friends before you go to sleep?” Mother whispered to me. “Do you think Tanya is going to think about her friend tomorrow night? Do you think she will wish her luck?”
I was surprised to hear Mother speaking because I hadn’t noticed her come in. I was just staring at Mother’s face, and I suddenly wondered what would happen if Father and I were not here. Would we disappear from her life?
Suddenly I felt as if my heart would burst into flames. Mother’s words were like a flame that made everything seem dark and mysterious. But Mother was right. I was happy when I was able to say goodbye.
Tanya was still wearing her long dress, but I didn’t think that Father or Tanya were going to stay long. So I stood up and went into our bedroom to change. I changed my clothes quickly, without really thinking about what I was doing. I pulled off my jacket and took off my sweater, putting on an old T-shirt instead.
It was almost midnight, and we didn’t get home until late. As soon as we got into bed, I felt myself starting to fall asleep. I was about to nod off, too, when I heard Mother calling my name. She was calling me by my name—her voice sounded different. Tanya’s voice wasn’t as clear anymore. But it was definitely her.
“What does she mean?” I asked Tanya as I ran out of the bedroom to join Mother downstairs.
Tanya and Mother looked at one another. Tanya shook her head slightly, while Mother smiled and nodded. Then they both laughed. Mother put her hand on my shoulder, and Tanya kissed my cheek. Then we walked to the front door together.
I held Tanya’s hand as we walked to the gate; then I opened the wooden door and waited for Mother and Father. They came through first, and we all turned right. We left the road, turning right again onto a narrow path between the trees.
We walked for several minutes. When we reached the end of the forest, Tanya and Mother was waiting for us there. They were standing on the edge of a hill where the sea sparkled in the darkness.
“She means she wishes us luck,” Tanya said, looking straight ahead. Her cheeks glowed red in the moonlight.
Mother took hold of my arm. I glanced over at her, and she gave me a faint smile. Then we began to walk away. The three of us turned and waved goodbye, and Father blew us a kiss.
The sun has risen, and the day is bright. I’m walking along the seashore as I wait for the tide to turn so that I can row back. I am alone now, and Mother isn’t with me. I feel as if the world around me is empty. But I know that we are going home soon. That we will be safe there. And I know that no matter how far apart we grow, we will always have each other.
After we parted ways, I walked for quite a long time before stopping to rest. My mother and Tanya had promised that they would come back. They told me that I should keep on rowing. And I did. I knew they wouldn’t let me go until morning. At noon, I stopped to look at my watch. It was nearly two o’clock in the afternoon. We were coming home.
I sat on the shore, watching the waves and the sunlight sparkling on the water. A breeze passed by my ear. It was a soft, warm whisper. I felt warmth and tenderness as it caressed my skin. I turned to look behind me, hoping to see my mother, who was supposed to be coming to meet me. But there was nothing in sight. I wanted to shout out, but I bit my lip and kept silent.
Tanya appeared in front of me. She took my hand, and she smiled at me. She seemed very happy and cheerful as she walked away from the ocean.
My parents were going to pick us up on the beach at high tide. We were going to spend the whole night together and go home together in the morning.
When I returned to our house, I found a letter on my bedside table. It was written by Mother. She said that she loved me and that she was sorry about what had happened. And she wrote that she hoped I could forgive her someday.
I couldn’t believe that she had sent such a long letter just like that. No. She never forgot anything that she needed to write, not even if her handwriting was a little hard to read. And she had always been so proud of the way she expressed herself in writing.
Even more than her words, her letters carried her thoughts: her feelings, her hopes, her wishes. How could my mother have forgotten this?
And yet, as I read through Mother’s words, I knew they were true.
***
TATYANA WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO SEE HER MOTHER AGAIN UNLESS SHE CAME BACK HERE. AND THAT WAS IMPOSSIBLE.
“So, Tanya…” Tanya paused to take a sip of her tea. “Why didn’t you say goodbye to your mother?”
Tanya shrugged. “I don’t know.”
“You’re a very quiet girl, aren’t you? Not at all like Tatyana.”
Tanya nodded without answering.
“Are you sure she really wrote those words?”
I looked at her for a long moment and then said, “Yes.”
“Did she really tell you that she was sorry for everything? And that she loves you?”
Tanya said nothing.
“It sounds like a dream, doesn’t it? Like something that only existed in your imagination.”
Tanya shook her head.
“What do you think she meant when she said it would be best for everyone if I left?” I asked.
“That’s what I want to ask you,” Tanya said, looking into Mother’s eyes. “Do you believe your mother?”
Her voice sounded cold, almost detached. And it hurt me to hear it.
“Mother was right when she said that she wanted to go home,” I whispered.
I stared at her and felt a pain inside my chest that made my hands tremble. “But that doesn’t mean she didn’t care about you. You are Tanya, after all. And Tatyana is the daughter of her Mother and Father. She knows how much I love her.”
I stood up. I thought back to the last few years: the times she had hugged me tight and called me her favorite daughter. She had also been kinder to me than any of my sisters had ever been, especially when I was younger and couldn’t talk.
She would bring me things, feed me soup from her own plate or give me a drink from her glass, just because she cared. And now, Mother wanted to leave? To walk away?
She must’ve been joking—or trying to make a joke out of everything. That’s why she’d said we were better off not seeing each other again. If she really did want to leave…
Tanya sighed and said, “It was hard for her to say goodbye to Tanya, too. But she still came to say goodbye to me instead of saying goodbye to you.”
I looked at my mother’s face in the mirror. The sun was bright outside. She must have seen that I was angry, even though I couldn’t show it.
I closed my eyes. “No, Tanya. She didn’t mean those words.”
I was lying. Tanya was staring at the ceiling and pretending to sleep. She was probably trying to find ways to explain it in her mind so as to make sense of this madness.
But the fact remained that Mother had spoken them.
We spent three hours sitting there until we heard footsteps in the hallway. It was Father coming to get us. Mother was standing beside the door as usual. I went to her and gave her a quick hug. She kissed me on the forehead, and then she turned around and started walking slowly away. As I followed her down the stairs, I watched her disappear through the door of our room.
The End