My Stunning Struggle
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“You’re not coming?” I heard her voice and felt the mattress sink with her weight. “You just got here.”
I rolled away from the door, leaving it cracked a fraction of an inch and my heart hammering in my chest. I’d been so eager to see her when she arrived that I’d forgotten something crucial: that she wasn’t going to be pleased about this visit.
She was probably already regretting having come all this way on such short notice to help me. And now she’d have to wait for me to get ready or else risk being seen by whoever had hired me. So much for getting out of this mess. It was bad enough that I hadn’t told anyone where I was heading, but I couldn’t afford to lose the woman who could help me find my sister again.
“I’m going to take care of business,” I said without looking back at her. Then I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me before I turned around to look at myself in the mirror. What had I been thinking?
The last thing I needed to do right then was put on the same outfit I’d worn during that disastrous interview with the reporter yesterday morning. Instead, I stripped off my clothes and looked down at my body in the full-length mirror above the vanity.
A few stray hairs covered my cheeks and chin from the shave I’d given myself earlier that day, and I saw some dark shadows under my eyes as if I’d lost another night’s sleep.
It didn’t matter what my appearance was like. No one would recognize me anyway. But still, I felt compelled to brush my fingers over my jaw and smooth out the stubble. My hands trembled, and my palms were damp with nervous sweat. That was ridiculous since I had nothing to be nervous about. This woman was a stranger.
But I knew better than most how easy it was to let people fool you once you started liking them—or rather, once they made you believe that they liked you. I remembered well the times I’d tried to impress men when we were kids growing up in a town filled with ritzy socialites.
I had always tried to be the prettiest girl in the room, hoping that someone would choose me as his girlfriend or wife someday. But I’d learned very quickly that there were no happy endings when romance came along.
The only love stories worth telling involved pain and suffering, which is why I preferred fiction over real life. It was a lot easier to accept fictional characters’ flaws, their weaknesses, and even their selfishness because it was impossible to live in a story and know exactly how things worked out. In real life, it was different.
Every choice led to another consequence. Even after everything went wrong, it was hard to forget that you were the author. You were free to write the ending you wanted. Or at least that was how I justified my actions. It kept me sane. But sometimes living in fiction could turn you into an idiot. Sometimes you couldn’t see your own blind spots until you were too deep in a hole to climb out.
So instead of trying to pretend I was somebody I wasn’t, I was determined, to be honest with her about every little detail of my past. It wouldn’t hurt her feelings. I thought it might actually surprise her.
Maybe it would make her realize how good of a man I really am and that she shouldn’t be ashamed to call herself my friend. She might not agree with all my choices, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t capable of making good ones.
And maybe if I explained it to her clearly enough and convincingly enough, she’d understand why I had to leave her behind tonight. I’d told her to stay at the boardinghouse. I hadn’t meant to send her back home alone. But I did want her to wait for me at the house before leaving town. And I was sure she would do just that. She was too smart for her own good—and mine.
After pulling on a pair of clean khakis and a plaid shirt, I left the bathroom and opened the connecting bedroom door.
“Did you change your mind?”
I froze inside the room with its soft pink walls, and I turned back toward the bathroom. “I didn’t expect you to come all the way here just to tell me not to go,” I said without turning around.
“No, it’s not that. It’s the way you’re standing there in the middle of my room,” she said. “I don’t think anyone should have to see a dead body in someone else’s bed.”
I heard the front door open and then close behind me as I stepped outside the bedroom. I took a step and stopped when I realized she was standing on the other side of the doorway. She looked down at my feet as though expecting me to show up in bare feet.
I wondered what she thought I’d been doing in her room. Had she been afraid I’d steal something? Steal her jewelry again, perhaps? She probably figured I’d gone through every drawer, closet, and cupboard. And maybe I should have been upset by it, but the fact that she expected this of me eased my mind a bit.
“Don’t worry,” I said as I walked into the living room and pulled open the window beside the sofa. “This won’t take long.”
My plan was to drop the rope ladder right outside the window where it belonged and lower myself out onto the porch roof below. The house was three stories tall, which gave me plenty of space to work with, and there was no sign of any activity upstairs, so it seemed safe enough.
“You know I’m not afraid of heights, but I hate being high off the ground like this. It makes me feel like I can’t breathe,” I said as I climbed out the window and set the ladder carefully on the roof.
“It doesn’t bother me one bit,” she said from behind me. “I grew up sleeping above the rooftops. It’s a lot more comfortable than lying on the ground.”
When I reached the first rung of the ladder, I held it steady with one hand while I lifted my gun with the other. A loud thud echoed against the side of the house and caused me to jump, nearly falling out of the ladder.
“Are you shooting at the house?”
She nodded. “That’s what they’re called in my world. Houses. They shoot guns.”
As we both laughed, I continued climbing down the ladder, careful to keep it in line with the building’s roof as I descended. I glanced up at her several times, wondering if she was still watching me.
“How far away are those trees?” I asked once I reached the ground.
She pointed to the north across the street. “They’re big cottonwoods with huge roots. You should be able to hide pretty well among them.”
The cottonwood grove was an ideal spot for escaping, assuming it was safe to enter and move around within. But even so, it would be another thirty minutes or longer before I made it to my rendezvous point, and it could get very dark between sunset and nightfall in the Texas panhandle, especially in August, which is the hottest month of the year.
“You should wait in the wagon till I return,” I said when I reached the back corner of the house. “Or better yet, go inside and wait in the parlor until you hear the horses clopping down the street.”
“Why not in here?” she asked as she crossed the front yard. “It’s cooler in here.”
I shook my head. “I told you I need to get away from the city. And I’m not going to make it to Abilene today. That’s the truth. We’ll just have to meet up tomorrow morning instead.”
“Tomorrow? Where are you meeting him?” she asked as she walked around the side of the house.
“On a cattle drive heading west,” I said. “We’re headed to California. If I hurry, I might be there by next week.”
***
“What did you say his name was?” she asked as she watched me put the tools inside the saddlebag.
“He never told me.”
“But you know what he looks like. Can you describe him for me?”
“Not really. He’s about five foot nine inches tall and has a scar on his cheek. His eyes look like mine, but his hair is blond.”
“Did he talk much?”
“Just a few words now and then when I was riding alongside him. Mostly he just mumbled. Sometimes he would sing to himself. I couldn’t understand most of what he was singing, but I caught a few words in Spanish.”
Her brown eyes looked sad as she listened to the details.
“Was he happy?” she whispered. “Is that how you knew he was in love?”
“Yes, I thought so too.”
A soft breeze drifted over us and carried with it a faint scent of sagebrush. She sat on the edge of the horse corral as I worked. “Will you ever see him again?”
“I doubt it. That’s why I need to get out of town tonight before anyone asks who I am.”
“Do you think he’s coming back?” she asked, staring intently at the fence and leaning forward slightly to get closer to me.
I had been expecting the question to come, but I didn’t want to lie to her anymore, least of all about something as important as this. I had no idea how long my time with Jack would be limited, though if I got out of the city soon enough, it shouldn’t matter.
“I don’t know. Maybe. But it would take some money to hire a team of horses and ride out after him on horseback.”
“If you’re willing to give up your job with the circus…”
“No! Absolutely not!” I said sternly. “I will find another way out of this situation, and I won’t let you or the circus people stop me.”
“Then you can forget seeing him again,” she said.
“What makes you say that?”
She hesitated. “I can see it in your face… I’ve seen men in love before, and I could tell you were in love with him. Don’t worry about me. You’re better off without me.”
She stood and turned away as if she couldn’t bear to watch me finish saddling the horse.
The moment I had tied the cinch strap around the chestnut’s neck, she jumped into the saddle and began trotting toward the gate. The black gelding followed her, pulling at his reins and snorting softly.
“Wait!” I ran around the side of the house to catch up with them. “Where are you going?”
“To meet your cowboy friend,” she said, looking back at me as she rode past.
When she reached the other side of the fence, I stopped and stared at her back for several seconds. She rode through the gate and disappeared behind the cottonwoods. It was the first time I’d ever seen a woman ride a horse. It seemed so natural as if women learned to do it when they were three years old and had forgotten how to walk or talk. They must have ridden since birth.
My fingers gripped the top rail of the corral fence and tightened as I watched her galloping away. A lump rose in my throat. I hadn’t realized how hard it would be to see her go, especially after we had gotten so close.
I leaned against the rough wooden fence for support and tried to swallow down my emotions as tears filled my eyes.
***
I left Abilene by train the following day, which meant I lost half a day getting there and back. In addition, it cost me twenty dollars to rent a team of six horses and two pack mules to carry our equipment. I had to pay extra because the teamsters insisted on driving the team to San Francisco instead of dropping us off in the middle of nowhere and turning the horses loose.
At least I had an idea where Jack was headed. When I told his sister, Maryanne, the name of the cattle drive, she said it was only one more day from town to Denver and then on to Kansas City. So I bought tickets for us both on the next morning’s freight train bound for Denver and waited for Jack to join me in Colorado.
As soon as we arrived in Denver, I called the circus office and asked to speak to the director, Mr. Tredwell.
After I described myself, he seemed surprised. “You’re the woman from last night’s show? The one who took care of the elephant?”
“Yes.”
“That’s right. How did you happen to be here in Denver?”
“We just finished a performance in Abilene, and now I’m traveling to see Jack.”
“Jack is still with us?”
“Yes.”
He whistled. “That’s odd.”
“Why?”
“Well, he wasn’t listed on any of the schedules we received this week. He should be arriving in a few days.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’ll send you an itinerary if you like.”
“Thank you,” I said, hanging up and walking quickly toward a café on the opposite corner of the intersection. As I approached, a man stepped out of the doorway. He was dressed in a suit, hat, and vest. His hair was slicked back and looked freshly cut as if he had recently shaved. He smiled at me and walked over with a briefcase in one hand and a newspaper under his arm.
“Good afternoon,” he said, holding open the door for me. “Would you mind joining me for lunch? I promise it will be worth your while.”
“I’m afraid I have to rush—”
“Please, ma’am, I insist. If you come with me, I’ll order for you.”
“I’m sorry, but I really don’t want to waste your time.”
“I wouldn’t have offered otherwise,” he said.
“But…” I hesitated. “It doesn’t matter what I say. I’ll probably end up ordering for myself anyway.”
“Don’t worry about that,” he said, closing the door and leading me into the restaurant. “You needn’t eat anything you don’t feel like eating. That’s part of my job.”
A waitress brought us menus. While she sat us down at a table and poured water from the pitcher, Mr. Tredwell ordered for me. I didn’t object, knowing it would save me time and give me another chance to ask Jack questions.
After our luncheon was delivered and we’d eaten, I asked about Jack. “Do you know where Jack is now?”
Mr. Tredwell paused for a moment as he sipped coffee. Then he put his napkin on the table and set the cup aside. “Actually, yes.” He lowered his voice. “He came into town yesterday and has been staying at the Ritz-Carlton hotel.”
I frowned. “I don’t understand. Why would Jack be in Denver? It’s not a cattle drive city.”
“No, it isn’t. But that’s where Jack decided to stay while he looks for work.”
I stared at him. “What do you mean, ‘looks for work?’ He’s already hired.”
The corners of his mouth turned up slightly. “Not exactly.”
I opened my mouth but nothing came out.
“Let me explain,” he said. “When Jack arrived in Denver yesterday, he went directly to the circus headquarters and signed himself onto the schedule with Mr. Tredwell. He then stayed in the hotel overnight and left before we were even ready to leave town. He didn’t take his luggage with him either. He left all the equipment and supplies behind in the baggage room when he checked out this morning.”
“So, why aren’t you heading west to Kansas City instead of the east?” I asked, puzzled. “You should have started out yesterday morning since you didn’t know where Jack was.”
He shrugged. “I thought we could make better time going to Kansas City and then on to New Orleans than taking the long route straight through Texas.”
“Oh!” I said, finally catching on. “But why go all the way there? Why not head straight south and then swing north to California?”
He raised an eyebrow. “Are you suggesting we should travel south and then turn around and head back north? That would actually be quicker because we could bypass many of the cities on our way down south. Besides, most of the cowboys are still riding in the north.
We could catch up with them much easier by making our trip in reverse, rather than trying to follow a herd of cattle from Colorado all the way down the middle of the country to the Gulf States.”
“But the circus won’t be performing in the south until August,” I said.
“Yes, but you’re right, it will be too late to start our journey by then, so I’m taking the longer route now.” He glanced at his watch. “In fact, it looks like we might arrive in Dallas sometime tomorrow night.”
“Dallas!” I gasped. “That’s four hundred miles away! We can’t possibly make that far in less than twenty-four hours. It’s impossible.”
“But how else do you propose we get there?” he asked. “If I’m wrong, you don’t have to ride with me, but you’ll never find Jack without following him.”
“I see.”
We rode the rest of the day together and reached Abilene by sundown. After setting up camp, I went inside the small general store that was across the street from our horse corral. The proprietor greeted me warmly. As I stepped closer, he gave me a quick smile and handed me a piece of paper.
“There are several hotels here in town if you wish to spend the night,” he said. “This one is recommended.” He pointed to the note on the sheet of paper. “But I don’t think you’ll have any trouble finding accommodations. There are plenty of places to sleep.
Most of the cowboys who’ve come into town have already taken their horses to the livery stable and are enjoying a hot meal. They won’t return to the corrals for a while yet. In fact, they’re probably having more fun than anyone.”
It sounded as though Jack had chosen to stay at the Ritz-Carlton hotel. I hoped he hadn’t gotten into any mischief or caused too much trouble for Mr. Tredwell.
“Thank you, Mr. Denton.”
As I stepped outside, I glanced toward the hotel, wondering what kind of man Jack really was. How did he react when he was alone? What made him tick? Was he like his brother? And why hadn’t he gone straight to Kansas City to join the circus?
Did he feel it wasn’t his responsibility anymore to look out for his younger sibling? I tried to convince myself that these questions didn’t matter. Jack was in trouble now and it was up to me to help him, no matter how difficult he might be.
No doubt about it; Jack was my responsibility, my duty, and if that meant traveling four hundred miles in less than twenty-four hours, so be it. If we didn’t succeed in bringing Jack home, I knew the circus wouldn’t continue its performances in the fall. Sooner or later, someone would notice there was something missing and it would spell the end of the Ringling Brothers Circus.
The End