Eternally Yours
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A few hours later, I came home from work and found my husband at home. As soon as I saw the look on his face, I knew he must be feeling it too. But what could I do? I couldn’t go with him if that was his wish. The problem was how to tell him that I loved him and I wanted more than anything in this world to marry him.
That would be a good night’s sleep for me—and then there was the issue of how far we should travel with this plan. We needed to make sure that he didn’t change his mind.
We had been married for two years, but our relationship had started only six months ago when I’d realized that I still cared for him and wanted to give it another shot.
It seemed strange to think about it now, but my heart told me that he felt the same way about me, and so I decided to take a chance and tell him exactly what I thought—not caring whether he was ready or not. I didn’t want him to change his mind because of fear.
I looked up at my husband. He smiled and asked if anything happened at work.
“No,” I said. “It seems like nothing has changed.”
He put down his glass. His smile faded a little after a moment, and I felt relieved. But then something occurred to me: If things had changed between us, we wouldn’t need to talk about it. Our marriage meant everything to me, and yet I hadn’t told him how much I loved him.
I took the initiative and spoke to him again, making sure that he understood how much I wanted to spend all my days and nights with him.
My husband’s eyes were fixed on mine. Then he turned away and walked into our bedroom, where he closed the door behind him. I knew that he didn’t want me to follow him. So I waited until he finished taking off his clothes.
When my husband was lying naked in bed, I climbed next to him and hugged him tightly. And when we were asleep, my dreams were filled with images of my wedding day.
“So you’re going through with it?” I heard my sister-in-law ask as she sat across from me.
She had just told me she was leaving the house early. She wasn’t going anywhere special, only to the park to meet an old friend of hers who was visiting Tokyo. My husband and I were sitting side by side, and she was sitting beside my husband. I had been sitting quietly, watching her expression while we waited for him to finish telling us what he wanted.
“I have no choice,” I whispered to him. “This is the only way.”
As I said those words, I saw him look over at her. He looked at me, then back to her. I was afraid he’d say something rude. He might try to get me to stop this. But even so, I felt my resolve strengthening. My heart was beating so fast, it felt as though it would jump right out of my chest.
“You know I can’t go along with it,” my brother-in-law muttered to me. He didn’t sound angry or upset. Just resigned. Then he sighed, and he sounded a little tired. “But it’ll be okay. You’ll see.”
“How do you know?”
My husband had gone silent.
“I love you, sis!” she yelled suddenly, interrupting us both. He looked at me, and I looked at him, waiting for him to say the same thing. But he just shook his head slowly before he stood up and walked out of the room. He opened the door of our apartment and looked inside. Then he left without saying another word.
The two of them went back to their own place, and I remained alone with my sister-in-law. I could feel tears stinging my eyes. It made me happy that she agreed with me and that she would help me. But at the same time, I wished she hadn’t spoken out.
It was a risk for us to be seen together in public and to talk about our plans, and it meant that we had to go somewhere far away where he wouldn’t find us.
That night, my husband called me, but he didn’t come here, and it was the last time I ever heard his voice. From now on, all contact would be indirect.
I had already been talking to someone else, the friend whom I had mentioned earlier. After we’d met in person, we exchanged numbers and started texting each other. I told her about my situation, asking if she would accompany me.
“I’m glad to hear that,” she answered.
“Thank you,” I said back. That was what I always said when I was grateful and didn’t know how else to respond. I didn’t think that there was any difference between what he would say and what she would say, but I did wish they had been able to tell me that directly.
But it was impossible. We were only two people who were willing to take care of each other. We weren’t enough for anyone else.
***
I’ve never thought that the best method of getting rid of your feelings is by running away from them, but then I’ve also never known how to express myself. All I know is that we can’t live in a world where we don’t face ourselves and our problems head-on.
No matter how much pain it will cause, we have to do whatever it takes to fix what needs fixing. Because otherwise, the problem doesn’t go away; it just continues to fester within us.
When we arrived in Kyoto, my sister-in-law and I spent several days together before my brother-in-law came home. The plan was that he would be gone for four weeks, which would give us plenty of time to prepare.
The two of us had a few things that we wanted to do in the meantime. First, we wanted to meet each other and spend time together. Second, we needed to decide what we should wear. Finally, we needed to make sure everything we needed was ready.
At first, I didn’t know if I could really go through with this, especially since I had been planning on living with my husband forever. But after talking to my sister-in-law, I began to think that there was no way I could run away from my feelings.
I couldn’t bear to continue lying to myself or pretending not to see anything. I had to accept it all and deal with it directly because then it wouldn’t be as bad.
I asked my sister-in-law to accompany me, and she agreed. I still didn’t know if I was making the right decision—it seemed too soon for us to become close friends, and she hadn’t even met my husband yet. She knew him only as my sister-in-law.
I had no reason to believe that she would agree, and she must have had her doubts as well. But even so, I wasn’t going to wait until I saw the real person for myself. I was taking the first step toward accepting reality. If I waited, nothing would change.
In the end, I decided that we should keep in touch through text messages instead of having regular phone calls. We might need to speak on the phone once or twice when we were trying to arrange things, but we didn’t want to risk my brother-in-law’s finding out our plans, and we didn’t want to be bothered by the sound of his voice while we were arranging matters.
My sister-in-law and I exchanged numbers, and we texted each other every day, sharing our thoughts and worries, and fears, and sometimes sending silly pictures or jokes. We talked about our future plans, our past experiences, and what kind of person he was.
I was afraid that I’d lose her once we returned home, but it turned out that she wasn’t like me and couldn’t stand the sight of my husband. As a result, we kept in touch even after our trip ended, and I felt relieved that my sister-in-law was there for me.
After we parted ways, she left the country and went overseas to study, so now our friendship will be confined solely to texting. She says she misses me, but we’re only able to talk to one another over email. But even though it was hard for both of us to let our lives go, we didn’t stop our relationship.
My brother-in-law came back home, and we spent a couple more nights together in secret. But eventually, we were caught, and our plan was ruined. He had already found out that my sister-in-law and I were exchanging emails, but now he had learned that she was also communicating with our mutual friends and relatives.
My brother-in-law made sure to tell all of them that I’d lost my job and was looking for new employment. So I decided to quit my position without telling her, but when we were together again, she noticed my phone. It had a picture of her and me attached to the message “I love you.”
And at first, I thought I had done something wrong. But then she said, “It’s good to hear those words,” and sent me another message.
I’ve heard that it takes time to heal wounds, but I feel that we’ve been given a second chance. That’s why I’m writing this letter: to say thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and making me realize all that I had forgotten. For the last four years, we’ve lived apart. Our parents are living separately as well, and we haven’t spoken for months.
There have been times when it was unbearable, and we couldn’t stand being around each other. I was always afraid to contact her, but now it has been five days since we last spoke, and she hasn’t sent any texts. We can’t call or email each other, either. I’m glad because it’s been a long time since we’ve spoken. I hope you’re reading this, and that it means that we’ll see each other soon.
My brother-in-law is a little strange, but he loves you. You should take advantage of the time while he’s away from home. If you don’t want to do that, maybe you should consider running away. This time, I am not just writing this letter for myself; I also wrote it for my sister-in-law, who wants to be with me.
Even after all the hurtful things my sister-in-law has said about me, I have never stopped loving her. Even now, I still think about her often, but I have a feeling that it won’t be much longer before we’ll see each other again, and I’m looking forward to seeing the real you.
The End