Kevin Johnson
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Once upon a time, there was a solid boy called Kevin Johnson. He was on the way to see his Annabelle Wilson when he decided to take a shortcut through Awfulpool Forest.
It wasn’t long before Kevin got lost. He looked around, but all he could see were trees. That didn’t make sense though because it was one of the most populated forests in the country and everyone always knows how to get out.
Then Kevin spotted some smoke coming from inside one of those great big trees. It sounded like someone shouting “Help!” so he went closer…then another shout rang out as two men rushed past him saying: “Shhhh! Be quiet.” So naturally, Kevin had to go into hiding, just in case they’d been talking about him.
Once that was sorted, he kept moving towards the sounds – which turned out to be coming from deep in the heart of Awfulpool Woods, not far away at all.
That’s where the trouble really started for poor Kevin. This forest is home to hundreds of different animals who usually keep themselves well hidden. The trouble began when one of them saw him looking suspiciously around and mistook him for animal spies.
They followed him all the way back home until he reached his front door. As soon as Kev opened it up, there stood an eight-legged creature with a crown made out of leaves (it thought he might turn into something else if it touched him). A little bit farther down came six armed beasts carrying pitchforks ready to do their master’s bidding.
Kevin was scared stiff. Luckily, the old lady who lived next door knew exactly what to say: ‘You don’t look hungry to me,’ she said. But then someone shouted out the word ‘croaker’ which meant Kev needed to hide because Croakers can smell food no matter where it hides.
So Kev ran straight upstairs into a cupboard – even though that’s the worst place possible because you can hear everything and you have absolutely nowhere safe left to run. When things settle down and you’re sure everyone has gone to bed, try calling your friends and neighbors over for supper, or singing carols outside while wearing horrible masks. That’ll send them running!
The moral? Make sure you never get caught by animal spies disguised as everyday animals; you should also remember that people who say croakers are lying monsters that can smell food. Oh yes, and of course, the best thing to eat on Christmas day is always roast turkey and pork chops with sprouts and carrots, Brussels sprouts, and parsnips too (as usual)!
***
Once upon a time, there was a girl called Anne Whitehouse. She had only turned fifteen years old that very month and although her mum had told her to stay away from Awfulpool Forest, she couldn’t wait. Her mother’s new boyfriend David had promised to take her camping in the woods when spring finally arrived.
Before setting off together to celebrate this special occasion, David warned all three children about the dangers of going into the forest because it would only end badly. And the story went something like this:
They crossed over the bridge without any problem whatsoever. All night long they sat huddled close together beneath the stars. In fact, it was the first time all Anne Whitehouse could remember feeling truly happy with being alive – seeing the world waking up after months spent wrapped in wintery blankets.
To tell the truth, Anne found sleeping outdoors to be the most magical experience ever. Soon enough dawn broke and she woke David up to continue the journey deeper into the forest – despite all his warnings about getting lost in its depths.
Then they happened upon this massive tree trunk completely blocking the entrance to the forest. They both agreed not to proceed any further due to such heavy rainfall. With that done they pulled out some sandwiches, popped open some cans of warm Coca Cola and settled down to sleep beside the log.
There was nothing more than an empty sky above them except for an odd crescent moon hanging just below the canopy. Everything was blissfully peaceful and natural and the night air was wonderfully cool and clean. They ate happily without speaking for many hours.
When a sudden thunderclap shattered the stillness, both David and Anne sprang awake with fright. For once their phones weren’t charged, which meant that nothing helped to calm them down during the storm – in fact, there was nobody at all to give advice apart from each other.
They’d often heard the tales about storms in this part of the forest but none of them believed that anything terrible would happen. How wrong they were. The noise from the rain quickly built up to deafening levels; they saw lightning strike somewhere far off behind the towering tree trunks.
The wind whistled between every branch and tree leaf making all their equipment crash to the ground. No matter how hard they tried to fight back against nature’s power, they couldn’t stop the sheer force battering their bodies violently. Out on the trail that they traveled in order to reach their destination, huge trees had fallen and lay strewn along the path creating barriers everywhere.
As the lightning suddenly grew even more terrifying, David climbed atop the log so he could get a better view. Just as quickly the full wrath of nature descended upon him. His body slammed to the ground and landed on top of Anne.
He couldn’t feel a single thing, not a hair on his head nor a single ounce of warmth inside him. Both of them ended up bleeding profusely. After hours of sitting in the forest shaking uncontrollably, they eventually managed to crawl out towards the road, only to find it completely washed away; either blown away or broken into pieces.
They didn’t know where to go, or what to do. Suddenly a truck rumbled by and picked them up. They both prayed fervently that somebody would help them before either died on this isolated road. An hour later the driver arrived at a local hospital, but neither of them wanted to stay.
They simply staggered out of the room to make their way home, knowing full well that they couldn’t possibly survive without medical treatment. Since then Anne had remained utterly terrified of woodland and will never, under any circumstances, set foot near Awfulpool forest again.
It’s quite simple really, the moral of this cautionary tale is that no one can predict whether they’ll face severe danger in the woods. So if you want to live a long healthy life and remain safe in the forest, leave the booze, pills, fast cars, and girls to the experts – such as the army guys that I mentioned earlier!
You just need to trust your instincts and stay clear of the dark shadows. But never forget this important tip: when enormous storm clouds gather over the forest, RUN LIKE HELL IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. And don’t think that the magic spells cast by those hooded men with staffs will bring you safely through – because they won’t. Trust me on that.