I Hate My Life
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I hate my life, why do I hate my life, why can’t I be happy. That’s the question that’s always been in my head and it’s so annoying because I’m not even sure if I want to live anymore. Not like I have a reason to live but when you’re asked those questions every day, especially by your own parents, it’s hard to answer ‘yes’.
Forcing yourself into this situation isn’t helping at all. It only makes me realize how alone I really am and just thinks of how pathetic I’ve become.
I never wanted my own family to die. I didn’t want them to be taken away from me or anything bad ever happen to them. But now they’re gone and nothing has changed for me yet. This is my life and this will continue forever unless someone saves me. Someone who hasn’t done a single thing to save anyone, just a normal human being like me.
So what makes me better than any other human? What makes me special? If there was something worth saving, I would’ve found it already. Nothing in this world gives me hope for survival so why should I waste time on this pointless existence where every day looks similar to the previous one?
Why does any of it matter anyway? Is there even a point in living past twenty-one years old? Then again maybe dying is a lot easier than this shitty life. The thought had been running through my head more often lately which made me come up with new reasons to live instead of die.
Why do I hate my life, why can’t I be happy, everyone keeps asking, can’t they see how much pain is coming out of my mouth, why don’t I stand up for myself and fight back, what’s stopping me, what am I waiting for, what did they expect from me, why is everything so unfair, why can’t I live a normal life, why does my family deserve all these problems, I could go on and on until I reach the end of this pointless conversation.
The next day started with another boring lecture and it went downhill fast from there. My mother wanted to talk about the upcoming exams while my father just kept nagging over his usual topic: food. They were fighting again during dinner and even worse than yesterday.
I couldn’t believe that after more than eight years together they still haven’t managed to work things out, but what did I know about their relationship anyway.
At least my siblings seem perfectly fine. None of them are going through any troubles except for some minor fights between each other. But they’ve always been the ones to deal with parental quarrels so they manage pretty well. Today we celebrated the birthday of my youngest brother, Leon.
He turned 16 today and he seems excited about tomorrow’s party but I just sit here wishing for death and hoping that I’ll be the first person to survive all this.
Even though I wasn’t a part of the family, I felt responsible for them. Now I have no reason left to live and I need a way off the hook. The only problem is that there isn’t a single piece of paper I find worth risking my life for. I hate my life, why do I hate my life, why can’t I be happy.
I hear it inside my head more and more with every passing minute and I begin to feel sick. I can’t take it anymore and the last thing I remember before collapsing on the floor is a loud scream followed by a strange feeling around my neck and numbness in my legs. I guess that’s it. How long had it been since I lost consciousness? I opened one eye lazily to check the clock. 5pm.
Well, I must say this is quite a surprise and not at all expected. Do you hear me Mr. Headmaster? You won’t get away with this! You wanted to test our strength, well here it is; it’s time for us to rise above everything else and finally end this war once and for all.
With a slight smile on my face, I tried getting up and fell down. Apparently, falling is an issue too. Why aren’t these people giving up on finding solutions and trying something different? Stupid headmaster. We might actually have a chance at beating this bastard if we unite. All it takes is a little bit of teamwork and enough motivation.
As if, you lazy assholes, I don’t care about anything anymore. Just give me the drugs so I can sleep peacefully through life and death, I’ll make sure not to wake up ever again. No need to think about this shit anymore. I deserve it, everyone deserves it. No more tests, no more struggles; all I need to do is wait for death. Aah, life… why am I such a failure?
I sat back on my bed and watched the door. It was 10 minutes later when someone came into my room and I could sense they weren’t here for a friendly chat or a “how are you” kind of conversation. He looked angry but somehow calm.
Why would he be calm? This should scare the hell out of him considering I’m lying here with my eyes closed and my hands tightly tied. If I were him, I’d probably freak out right now.
That thought made me smile as I heard footsteps coming closer. When the guy stopped near my bedside, I managed to open both my eyes and stare straight at him without much trouble. His dark brown hair was pushed back from his face with a few strands hanging down on either side of his forehead, which gave me the impression he was a handsome man.
He was tall and built like a warrior, wearing a simple white shirt and black pants.
From behind, I couldn’t see how muscular he really was because of his clothes, but one look at that perfect physique told me he has to be strong. His big, beautiful grey-blue eyes showed nothing but concern for me, which was totally unexpected. For a second, I almost forgot where I am. My stomach was making weird noises and it took him quite some time to notice. Good job hiding your true intentions, huh?
He smiled slightly and sat down in front of me, crossing his legs and looking straight at me with those amazing green eyes. “Hey, uh, sorry for waking you up. I know you weren’t expecting someone to come to visit you here.” That’s a lie, you were planning this all along!
All I wanted to do right now is grab him by the throat and squeeze the hell out of him, but I guess I have to behave since I have the best opportunity to escape. “It’s alright,” I said in response.
His smile grew bigger and he placed a hand on my arm gently. Oh my god, does anyone know this man? There’s no way a stranger is able to pick the lock on this damn door! And what exactly is he doing here, anyway? The man started talking again.
“First off, I want to tell you, I have been watching over you lately and I must say, I believe you’re going through a pretty rough phase right now. This whole thing happened so suddenly and I didn’t expect you to feel like this. Although I cannot change your past, I can help ease your mind, and hopefully, after a while, you’ll find peace again.
Let me start by telling you what I intend to do. I hate my life and I despise every single moment of it. It doesn’t matter who I am, I will always feel helpless.
What matters to me most of all is the fact that I’m only human; it is impossible for me to live forever. But just imagine, even though we are humans, there is a possibility that I may survive longer than you. Life isn’t fair, after all, and I’ve experienced several challenges throughout my existence.
Some of them were hard, but I had a powerful family I could lean on in times of trouble. Even then, I failed every single time and sometimes I found myself on my own.
However, at one point in my life, I felt a power inside of me that changed everything for me. Now, although I don’t remember much from my childhood, I understand very well what happened to me when I turned 16 years old. During those five months I spent living with my new guardians, I learned things far beyond my understanding.
I discovered a power I never knew existed! I finally understood what I was capable of and developed the ability to control not only my body but also my heart, soul, and mind.
It wasn’t long before I began having visions, strange dreams that I would often wake up from. I saw flashes of a certain person’s memories and I tried to make sense of those dreams, trying to uncover secrets that lay buried in history. My research helped me find a list of names that belong to people who possess unbelievable abilities; each name belongs to a vampire and comes with an astonishing story.
The more I researched, the more I realized that these supernatural beings are forced to remain secret in their communities – from the rest of society. Why do I hate my life? Because I’m afraid I will fall short of something greater. I desire freedom above anything else and I am prepared to work hard to achieve it.”
Wow, this dude is insane. Talk about living a sheltered life. Who could possibly care about knowing if vampires truly exist and live among us? I mean, I’m sure most people wouldn’t give a shit about it unless they actually met one. What is he still talking about?!
He paused and looked at me, awaiting my response. Of course, I have to keep him going! Maybe after listening to his insane rants, I’ll be able to figure out how to get away! I nodded and spoke to encourage him. “So, did you find the answers you were looking for?”
A slight frown appeared on his face as he pressed his fingers against his forehead and closed his eyes tight. He’s so adorable. A couple seconds later, he opened them again and sighed deeply, taking deep breaths. “Yes,” he answered. “I achieved everything I sought.
Thanks to your memories, I know the truth about what happened in Berlin that fateful night…the attack on the Reichstag. I learned how many people died and how they managed to kill hundreds of them. Just reading those bloody pages was enough to make me sick. I wonder where they got that information…”
He stopped abruptly and tilted his head. Something in that particular sentence gave me the chills. “Wait. So you know what really happened in Berlin all those years ago?”
The man shook his head solemnly. “No. Not exactly. Unfortunately, I wasn’t present in the city on the day of the massacre. In actuality, the attack took place long before my birth; I was born around 8 months after that horrible event. I’m not 100% sure what transpired.
From what I gathered, some sort of disease spread across Germany, killing thousands in the blink of an eye. I think the virus infected whoever came in contact with it, including people living in neighboring countries such as France and Poland. After the outbreak, everyone who survived was left in shock.
One of the first to fall victim to this plague was Adolf Hitler himself, but his death wasn’t caused by the virus itself.
The leader of the Nazi party was killed because he lost the will to live and refused to let go of his hatred towards the rest of the world. His best friend, Heinrich Himmler, and a few other close associates fought back with everything they had.
They used their army to search for survivors, rescuing victims from the streets and putting an end to anyone who remained unfazed by the news. There were a number of attacks conducted on foreign cities as well and many people suffered due to these wars. As time passed, the disease slowly began to subside.”
“And then?” I questioned while leaning forward.
He shrugged nonchalantly. “Then nothing much happened afterward. The two groups of survivors eventually put aside their differences and formed alliances. The new order was peaceful, no different than any other country around the world. No one ever bothered to investigate where that virus came from or how it was transmitted.
We all just assumed the virus went extinct. All of us, except for the perpetrators were responsible for it all and covered up its existence, anyway. I’m sure there are millions upon millions of people like me here in Germany who don’t even give it a second thought.
My parents told me several times the stories of the war but I never really paid attention to the details. That’s why I didn’t realize there was something wrong until you mentioned the book!”
He rubbed his temples as though he had a headache coming on. “Sorry, I hate thinking about this kind of stuff. It makes my brain hurt.”
“That’s understandable, considering you weren’t alive during that period.”
The old man smirked, then sat down next to me. “You’re probably right. At least we can take solace in the fact that no one else knows the true nature of that night. And if it did happen again, history would repeat itself once more; we’d remain ignorant and in blissful oblivion.”
If that virus really did come back, I honestly doubt they’d want to spread the truth as well. It might cause mass hysteria. However, it doesn’t seem likely.