Galactic Nippy Sword Wars
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A long, long time ago in a nippy, nippy galaxy…
After leaving the fake planet Tatooine, a group of pixies flies toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into peculiar, space heights. Around it orbits an enormous spheroid shape made out of steel and rusted scrap iron.
As they get closer, the spherical form reveals itself to be a gigantic bluish-green robot with rust stains on its faceplate and pointy eyebrows like tufts of moss. On top of that is some kind of toolbox or even better case that has been turned sideways and attached to what appears to be one giant hand—a finger bent all over itself, probably because this was how powerful he had once been before his latest battle against Galactica Starbase 2: Vengeance for Vengeance at Space Center Seattle.
But there’s more than meets the eye here! No, not really. Just the same old stupid nonsense as ever seen from these species known for their nipping swords and long lines of gibberish filled up with swear words galore (though most of them were no doubt said by Nipsy herself).
In fact, we are about to see an endless display of just such a thing thanks to our intrepid band of four-armed combatants:
“Yo guys!” Nippy says while pointing her sword right above their heads and emitting a sharp whistle (“FXXXING AWESOME ISN’T IT? FCXXK YEAH,” she adds later), “who wants me to give ’em a kiss?” She then reaches up to touch the blade again for emphasis. This time around, she turns off the radio first so she can start singing directly into their ears.
“—Bitches!” cries GalactaStarfleet with a big grin plastered across his face despite losing both limbs during the same battle when an unwise move caused him to turn away in midair while trying to slash an incoming missile back down towards Earth.
And yet nothing seems to slow the good captain down. He stands proud without the use of his legs now, but still wields two massive axes and another shield that never fails to materialize whenever needed. Of course, none of those are actually weapons wielded by the commander himself; instead, they belong to Mocca who gets the job done behind enemy lines.
“Whassup!” he shouts while running to catch up with the others whose boots look like mutated elephant tusks—so large in size that his calves seem almost indistinguishable from those of humans nowadays (that last sentence is my best guess on where babies come from since I have absolutely no idea!).
Then GalactaStarfleet stops abruptly and shoots me a dirty stare. His eyes suddenly open wide. They narrow further. A sound emits from deep inside his helmet which goes something along the following lines: BOOOOM!
I turn to see a tremendous beam lance aimed straight at my forehead as I stumble backward…
In a flash, everyone has moved back and safely away from the sudden explosion that rings through the air and leaves scorch marks all over the landscape. Only Captain GalactaStarfleet remained to stand—the only person immune to such attacks. In fact, he looked quite pissed.
Let’s also make mention of how impressive it is that despite being a munchkin with ten feet-tall shoulders and neck he could move fast enough to dodge the blast, let alone shoot one back at us after already dodging. At any rate, this wasn’t the first time we had encountered these soldiers and warriors from within a certain interstellar army (namely the Galactic Federation of Awesome).
Although each encounter lasted mere seconds if you didn’t count the part where we screamed hysterically until finally taking out our knives and butchering them wholesale… Yeah, not too much to say there except maybe the word “SWEET!” Maybe that should have gone in quotes.
Also, according to Nippy, killing their troops was pretty uncool due to various reasons including but not limited to how we would kill their sweet shiny robots’ butchered bodies forevermore into bits and pieces.
Even though every single one of us knew this day would inevitably come, it was nonetheless saddening nevertheless, mainly because even though these guys always came around we hadn’t exactly won against them all that often either (usually this happens because we’re afraid to engage in combat or try fleeing instead) and eventually they’ll figure out everything about us anyway.
That, and the fact that we’ve developed much advanced and useful technology after living among them for so long. If it weren’t for all that stuff, we’d need to get a new plan before sending forces beyond Pluto (except for that whole black hole problem).
So basically this was the moment when we knew our true defeat has begun. It’s unfortunate. However, fighting fair has never worked for us in the past—not even close.
“Hey, you fuckers!” booms Nippy cheerfully while waving her sword and looking off into the distance to take stock of the situation as quickly as possible, “get the fuck outta here NOW before—”
A number of explosions rock our location violently to the extent that several nearby buildings shake and fall apart to create craters everywhere. After we sit up slowly, some debris clatters onto us until Nippy eventually shakes it off by using her enormous sword-shaped hands.
An intense light shines far off in the sky between blobs of green fire coming out of random places. To put things simply, this entire area was now glowing like a gigantic sun (forgive me, stars) for some reason—it must be one helluva secret weapon or something.
The wind blowing through our hair made it feel as though we were atop Mount Everest. Seriously, why did we leave Earth anymore?
Too many goddamn mountains. While thinking that, GalactaStarfleet hops up off the ground and raises his giant ax high into the air triumphantly (much to our dismay). One thing worth mentioning right off the bat is that neither myself nor anyone else seemed to notice his missing left arm below his elbow and hand thanks to the aforementioned absurd proportions.
Oh well, screw you guys; don’t worry. It’s still better than having a zombie’s arm stuck on your shoulder anyways. Now then, here comes that other important message! You can read it yourself.
The road you tread is paved in red tears.
You’re no longer welcome here in Lifestormsville.
Get the fuck out now. Go somewhere dark and dry. Or find more food. Not fun food, either! Junk food if you want a euphemism.
After reading it, GalactaStarfleet tilts his head to the side in confusion. Meanwhile, we wait patiently for him to process the meaning. Eventually, he turns to us with an angry scowl that seems somehow exaggerated given his appearance and pauses for a moment, then stares directly at us, totally unamused, and opens both arms widely toward the heavens as he spreads his thin fingers. What does that mean? We stare back blankly waiting for whatever follows next.
GalactaStarfleet shrugs and smacks himself in the face to wake up faster, probably realizing what’s going on. No matter how hard we look at him, he’s completely expressionless. When not swinging around huge swords or holding magic axes of death, he tends to exude an aura of serenity.
Right now he looks anything but. He uses two weapons in conjunction: that same massive ax plus another one that is practically identical minus the head.
Instead, a rectangular box with multiple cables running into and out of different areas has been attached to his forearm. In theory, it allows him to control it independently although since it seems very complex I doubt he could operate it properly without even consulting the manual, much less wielding such a lethal piece of weaponry correctly.
At the very least this makes our job easier, however slightly. Well shit. Oh well… It’s time again for Nippy to become extremely violent once more!
Her eyes glow yellowy white as she leaps forward to swing down from above at full speed for maximum damage. Both blades are aimed dead center of GalactaStarfleet’s chest and hit in rapid succession. Though both strikes strike true, each one stops midway towards its mark.
The severed ropes finally reach him and wrap themselves around his legs in reverse motion. Immediately the top half of his body falls backward gently as though being held by invisible hands and hits the floor with tremendous force.
Given that he’s nearly three times taller than Nippy, there is plenty of room underfoot for his lower portion to stop where it lands on top of the rubble—all of us. This just proves that size really doesn’t necessarily equal strength when dealing with people like GalactaStarfleet.
That said, those fucking robots will rip you to shreds in one shot regardless. Luckily these robotic things seem to be capable of sensing things about their surrounding environment quite well otherwise they would’ve ended up getting blown away by the impact.
All it takes is one gunshot to make them explode at once in all directions like fireworks while releasing loud noises reminiscent of space battles from old sci-fi movies. Nothing hurts any humans inside, surprisingly enough.
Or maybe we just don’t care to report it because the sound alone would kill us. Whichever. Speaking of explosions, there’s also one large explosion close behind and above GalactaStarfleet’s feet which goes off without warning causing him to flail his arms frantically attempting to save his delicate equipment. Some sort of ammunition packed into his weapon appears to have caught fire resulting in a small blast radius within an inch or so around his armor.
Incredibly enough, this barely impacts him at all despite being such a massive amount of explosive material. The explosion was pretty big and certainly meant business but thankfully no nearby enemies suffered significant injuries due to the shockwave.
Next, we immediately try moving after landing. Alas, jumping back up is not currently possible without serious injury to ourselves or others. Hmm…? Perhaps our prior discussion about possibly needing to fight alongside the enemy army against higher caliber threats in order to survive in this warring world might still come true, unfortunately.
Still, most likely nothing should happen until later during the night at the earliest—we may just end up sleeping through everything after all. Yep… Sleep is best. Just go ahead and sleep. Well, good luck figuring out who stole all your food now, asshole!
You better hope something else comes along before tomorrow morning. I wouldn’t mind catching some rest but I’m fairly certain those robots won’t let me leave. Hopefully, our plan works… Yeah yeah! We can do this! Time for everyone to get their beauty sleep, it looks like. But hey, not everyone sleeps peacefully…
Grumph manages to swiftly pull out her twin daggers and tosses them both. She skillfully positions herself behind the group’s leader right after throwing with perfect balance and stance. “Lloyd!” Her sharpened spear point pops right out of the ground beneath him giving him absolutely zero chance of evading.
Grumph gives a triumphant nod once Lloydie manages to grab onto it rather effortlessly. Another blade appears only moments later as he twists his head sideways, letting go of his own thrown weapon for a moment as he leans over to avoid having his torso pierced by the second dagger in midair.
By the way, he grunts loudly as he moves his leg then quickly back toward his original position as soon as he regains his hold on his spear, I’m almost positive he’ll regret making that mistake. Siiighhhhhh… Poor boy… Lloyd isn’t very strong physically despite his noble appearance.
That’s why he has to rely upon magic instead. A simple spell like a levitation spell or the power to create copies of himself using illusions already allows him to maneuver effectively.
However, it turns out that flying through the air while juggling swords as part of a deadly combination technique requires far more mana than regular evasion techniques—magic is inherently less efficient since there’s no actual physical movement involved here.
He never had much training for hand-to-hand combat either given how intelligent and stoic he is nor was he ever interested in pursuing anything beyond battle tactics and the usual exercises in preparation for sparring matches against other nobles.
Oh? His brow furrowed intensely as he attempts to ward off the approaching knives and pulls forth a new sword to guard against another attack.
Of course. Why didn’t I expect this? Did someone forget their purse again?! Okay fine, I guess she forgot too… I feel like a bad person even saying this. Good thing all three of them have each other for support. Lazy bastards… They’ll probably start yelling at me if they think I’m trying to criticize them.
Too late to back down now anyway… Since everyone feels confident enough after taking shelter among the wreckage here in one piece, Lloyd immediately begins practicing with Grumph to learn how to use weapons more efficiently. Once he gets comfortable swinging his shield side to side like it was designed, all four warriors begin thinking seriously about their next steps.
“Guys… My stuff isn’t gone.” Durene suddenly speaks up and sits on top of one of the huge blocks near where her bags are usually stored. “We must have dropped them…” What is wrong with my fellow adventurers? Doesn’t anyone care that I’m practically naked while carrying the brunt of our provisions on me?!
Noooope! As you would expect of Durene though, nobody tries to embarrass her further by making crude comments. This time the majority of responses are ones of concern.
Including mine, I suppose. It’s always nice to know that people actually give a damn, really. I mean, I sure don’t. How can we focus if we’re worried about food or getting naked or whatever? If anybody could afford to lose a bit of dignity, it’d be these five.
Then again, maybe that means they’re just kinder than normal… Now that we’ve lost our sacks and water bottles, there’s not much reason for us to stay in this spot.
The End