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Eddie Shaggy had dreamed up many schemes in life but no dream had ever felt so real until now. He’d been dreaming of all sorts lately – torturing wild boars, thieving, robbing ancient Egyptian tombs filled with gold coins.
But those things didn’t feel real because they were impossible. And even if they weren’t, who would want to do them? Who wants to spend their whole time pretending to be an animal or a mummy? No one. They should just leave these people alone already! So it seemed obvious to Eddie to imagine another way.
That was how the idea of meeting Miss Bones came into being. When you really think about it, the only plausible reason why someone would decide to take over the world was either that they wanted to look after animals or make more money. What better way is there than taking over the world to achieve both?
The other important thing was that this wasn’t meant to be some long-winded plan. Just simple stuff. Simple as a corkscrew. This was going to go down exactly like the classic three-step plan outlined in Richard Branson’s autobiography. One foot in front of the other…
The first part of Eddies’ plans involved setting up an alibi for Miss Bones. First step: get her out of the country using a disguise. Step two: run away whilst wearing sunglasses and carrying a suitcase full of passports. The third step: chuck the suitcase somewhere random.
Oh, and also arrange for Eddy’s brother and sister to assume false identities at a remote ski resort while pretending to have taken his own identity along too, as the original author. Brilliant. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Oh yeah.
Anyway, once they’re safe overseas, Eddy can turn their attention to destroying the internet forever. Once that’s done, it will be easy to control everyone through the medium of talking hamster videos. Or maybe I’ll try making the world use hamsters instead of Facebook?
Haha! Only kidding. Anyway, at this stage, it’s crucial to buy a whole bunch of firearms. Obviously, guns. You don’t need a gun for everything. For instance, what about when you’ve finished smashing up the world’s banks? In times such as those, we must remember our moral duty to protect ourselves.
With a firearm. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be much point in owning a car. You might as well go everywhere on your bike. Right?!
See? If you don’t agree then fuck off back to bed and pull the covers over yourself. Now let’s move on to the next chapter which includes making a list of all the jobs Eddy has to do before actually going ahead with his master plan. Please note that ‘making a list does not count as doing any work towards this plan.
To begin with, Eddie needs to start by finding out where Miss Bones lives. His sister Lisa suggested that he could find this information online by typing in “Miss Bones” into Google but she obviously hasn’t understood his intentions.
Searching for “Ms. Bones” won’t yield nearly enough results for Eddie to get anywhere close to breaking free from the shackles of modern society. To really help him crack on and escape from the boring life that society dictates to us all, he needs to know Miss Bones’ address.
Eddie took his inspiration from history books, particularly those written in medieval times. Most people are shocked to learn that every single village in England during the Middle Ages had its own parsonage complete with priests.
Every day, thousands of villagers would visit the parsonage, often just to talk shop, catch up, and exchange gossip. Naturally, when it comes to the priest’s house, nobody gives a second thought to a home invasion. It’s perfectly acceptable to ransack his belongings simply to satisfy my personal curiosity.
But why waste my valuable time when I could just search online for the parsonage address?
Using this method, Eddie quickly found Miss Bones’ parsonage. He was incredibly pleased with himself. Not only did he manage to take care of all the mundane tasks on his list of requirements, he learned something new too; namely, that Miss Bones lived very near to his parent’s house.
Although he wasn’t sure how useful this information was because they never saw each other anyway. Well, aside from being arrested by the police. Twice.
It was perfect timing for Eddie, who’d almost forgotten that today was Sunday. Luckily, his dad worked a night shift so he couldn’t hear the little shite playing the guitar around the clock. Lucky father of mine.
How embarrassing. If you asked me whether I wanted to have dinner with the man that played a mean guitar or to see my mother’s face, I’m afraid that I would have to choose neither. My love and respect for both of them run deep but it’s almost like eating mud.
And what better way is there to celebrate freedom and equality than having a roast beef lunch? Nothing says “I wish I were dead,” quite like spending an entire morning preparing vegetables to put inside other humans’ mouths. Then again, I don’t think anyone wants to eat the words that come out of my mouth. This isn’t a problem now though, since nobody reads newspapers anymore.
Anyway, this was the perfect opportunity to give my mum a call and suggest that she send Miss Bones some flowers. Eddie could already imagine the look on her face as she received the most beautiful bouquet ever, filled with lilies, roses, carnations, and gerberas.
Hopefully, she’d pass her details onto the local paper so they could publish a nice picture. I wonder if there was any news that had been printed recently?
Well, there certainly weren’t any articles related to Mr. and Mrs. Everson having sex behind closed doors, although the headline “Everson family spend weekend camping outdoors” probably should have tipped me off.
But no worries – even that made the paper’s front page! Woo-hoo, great story. Apparently, Mr. Everson told reporters:
„This place rocks!”
As it turned out, the reporter didn’t ask him any more questions after that, leaving some loose ends for my mum to tie up. Eddie gave the phone a short ring. When his mum picked up, he said hello and handed the receiver straight to his dad.
“Hi Dad, guess what? I managed to escape the dungeon yesterday.” He hadn’t planned to say this at first, but once he heard my dad’s voice, he felt compelled to tell him about the whole thing. And it seemed pretty obvious that his dad hadn’t missed his calls either, judging from his reaction.
Eddie assumed that he would be angry, but instead, his dad burst out laughing and hung up the phone.
Shit, shit, SHIT! So much for my escape plans. Shit! Shit! Shit!
In hindsight, maybe Eddie shouldn’t have mentioned anything about escaping to his dad. Maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. But hey, it doesn’t matter anymore, right? He was already on his way to pick up his daughter…
***
„You’re here?!” yelled my dad, spotting his son outside our house. Eddie jumped out of the car, followed by his wife, who came running towards him with open arms. They embraced for quite some time before I could stop Eddie from turning back round to face me.
Thankfully, his dad left to go collect Stella, whilst Eddie started questioning me about everything that had happened over the past few days. As soon as his father saw us together, he immediately thought that I must be his mistress.
Fuck, that means that my dad will definitely know my secret now, which means that I am not going to live long enough to fuck it. What is wrong with this world?! Why can’t we just focus on important stuff like roasts and potatoes? I really hate holidays.
My dad brought along the most delicious-looking lamb, roasted so that the meat looked buttery smooth. His mother was supposed to cook the main course, but things weren’t looking good for her when it came down to picking something appropriate. After making up the excuse that he needed to help out in the kitchen, he returned holding two plates.
I took one, thanked him, and placed it on the dining table. This was where the fun began.
Yes, I ate raw pork. There are people who don’t agree with that decision and I guess I have no business asking them to change their minds. But sorry, folks. You don’t get to complain about my lifestyle choices until you try them.
No amount of reasons, excuses, or pleas can make you feel the joy, taste, and satisfaction of biting into perfectly cooked pork. In fact, if you have never tried it, then I pity the life decisions you’ve made up till now.
First bite. That alone explains everything.
Although I usually order an entrée, Eddie insisted on having roast beef as well and ordered a side of mash with crispy bacon on top. We decided against Yorkshire pudding because all three meals have an impact on the final figure and a full stomach only has space for one dessert, so we chose apple pie à la mode.
If we wanted ice cream, we figured that it wouldn’t hurt too much to add that little extra something. Besides, we needed the energy to enjoy the rest of today’s festivities. Eddie also suggested ordering a bottle of red wine, but I declined on behalf of Mum.
A glass of white was all that she allowed herself to drink. The last thing we needed was two sloshings, sloppy drunks in the middle of our home.
The drinks arrived, with my mum telling us to wait until dinner had finished being set out before opening it. At least she seemed fine with drinking, especially since she offered to drive us back tonight.
She claims to be cool with this particular situation and still prefers to act like the responsible adult in the room, while we kids end up playing grown-up around her. Despite knowing very clearly that she always goes through alcohol like water, she is completely blind to the fact that her tolerance is increasing every year. Her limit might actually be zero, given the chance.
We talked about lots of interesting stuff, as expected. Although Eddie occasionally interrupted and asked me about certain details, which led my parents to question whether they should even bother asking me these things.
My response was always the same: if you do ask me, then expect the answer to come from my heart – not the truth. It would be less trouble than trying to explain my life in detail.
„What about the media coverage?” asked Eddie’s dad. I didn’t want to reveal everything that I knew just yet, partly due to timing. I needed to play it smart because the last thing I wanted was for Eddie and me to make an appearance on every television channel under the sun once my name got out.
“There hasn’t been any mention of us.”
And there won’t ever be either.
My dad let out a sigh and rubbed his hands across his head. “Then why did I offer to buy tickets in the first place? Should have seen that coming,” he muttered. He continued to stare at the dining room as we waited for the food, eventually declaring that we could continue talking after lunch.
Nothing major was discussed during lunch itself, with Eddie doing most of the talking. It felt really weird to hear him talk about science instead of fucking me, but I reminded myself that his plans had changed for now anyway. Hopefully, that doesn’t mean that we’ll stay apart forever!
„This is amazing!” exclaimed my mum, digging her fork into the second slice of Apple Pie à la Mode. Dad, however, spent a great deal of time scrutinizing her plate and demanding to know what kind of trickery was going on.
Mum insisted that the delicious dish couldn’t possibly contain more than one portion, but none of us believed her. The woman has made countless pies, so we all assumed that her skills were better suited to baking rather than cooking. How could she bake something without any additional ingredients?!
After finishing off all the remaining dessert, we returned to the living room to find everyone involved in some sort of conversation again. I joined the one revolving around the possible holiday destination options, with my mum joining soon afterward.
I wasn’t expecting anything particularly special to happen when visiting another country other than my own, despite its historical value or the promise of good food.
The real reason why I’d want to visit Ireland specifically was simple: it was where my life truly started, thanks to her. Without Mum, there would be no me. Of course, she wasn’t aware of this; as far as she knows, I simply popped up out of nowhere right after getting dumped by that idiot, Fisker. She probably thought I was a reincarnation of myself or that I’m secretly immortal.
Mum had already guessed how Eddie was feeling about her departure and answered honestly. She told the man that he’ll learn to cope with it over time. Meanwhile, we weren’t exactly sure when she intended on leaving the house, and said as long as she can manage the rent, we were happy.
Everything else will follow suit accordingly. Eddie agreed although he didn’t seem convinced. His mind was somewhere else entirely.
“Did you get your homework done?” asked my father. Eddie nodded; apparently, he was planning on working late tonight to ensure that he caught up before he went away tomorrow. His schedule seems tight, as usual, with little time for socializing between training sessions and study.
But then again, maybe I shouldn’t complain too much… When you look at the fact that I’ve never experienced such a busy day in my entire life, it does sound pretty okay compared to others. Maybe that’s what being normal feels like.
When I was finally allowed to leave the apartment, I ended up walking down to the local gym near the university. Despite looking forward to our date next week, I wouldn’t recommend watching movies together in bed. It won’t make sense unless you actually experience them together.
Besides, my goal was still to learn more about the person behind the athlete – not necessarily watch him fuck me. On the bright side, I gained quite a bit of insight over the past few days and I hope to have plenty left when Eddie arrives back home.
That is, assuming that I don’t faint from blood loss, infection, or something equally fatal. I figured that I owed Eddie some kind of explanation after making an appearance today. Not only because of the strange situation in general but also because I saw something at the beach that he clearly didn’t see. Something that might be related to his parent’s murder. And that’s not even the biggest problem of all…