Dream Of Falling In Love
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The sky looked like a black velvet blanket, with stars twinkling above it. The wind had dropped and the temperature seemed to have risen by five degrees. They all stood outside, looking at the moon. It was as close to perfection as any sky could be.
The horses whinnied in fear as they neared the barn but quieted once they entered. A light breeze blew over them as they waited for their ride home.
“That was wonderful.” Julie breathed out a sigh of relief that seemed to last forever.
Morgan took her hand as he helped her up into the wagon seat beside him. “Thank you.” He smiled down at her. She looked so beautiful and happy—like she’d never been unhappy before. He wished there was another word to describe how he felt toward her instead of only love or affection.
Something more intense, but he couldn’t think of anything else to say. All he knew about love came from his grandfather’s stories. His grandfather loved his wife and they always told each other, “I love you,” but neither said it in words often.
That bothered Morgan because he thought love should come naturally, not require effort. But what if someone didn’t feel the love? What did one do then? Did one just live without it?
Julie sat quietly watching Morgan as the men drove away. He watched her as well. Her head rested against the back of the seat where he kept his hand on top of it. There wasn’t an ounce of tension in her body. He wondered whether she realized she was falling for him.
It would explain why she wanted him to kiss her again after dinner. And yet he couldn’t stop thinking about her lips. Could she really be interested in him that deeply? Wasn’t it possible she only acted differently around him so others wouldn’t suspect she was involved with him? No. She seemed genuinely fond of him.
After he’d kissed her, he pulled her to him and she willingly leaned in closer. It felt good holding her and being held by her. Maybe she wasn’t lying when she said she liked him. But if she were trying to protect him, then perhaps she also lied about wanting to marry him?
If that was true, why hadn’t she married him in Texas? She must have known what a scandal it would cause. Why not wait until they got back to New York to get married? Because she was already engaged to someone else. Perhaps he was right; maybe she didn’t want to marry him. Then what would happen tomorrow night? Would he have to watch another man kiss her?
He reached over and placed his hand on her stomach. “How far along are you?”
“Almost four months now.”
“It’s going to be a boy or a girl?”
She shrugged. “We haven’t decided yet.”
“Well, I hope it’s a girl.”
She turned slightly and put her cheek on his shoulder, resting her head next to his. He rubbed his arm across her soft hair. It felt warm and soft. He wished the moment could last forever, but he knew time moved too slowly. “You’re not worried about the baby growing up here?”
“No.” She lifted her face and looked at him.
Her eyes sparkled as bright as the stars. “I’m glad to hear that, Morgan. After today… I know you’ll make a fine father.”
His throat tightened at those words. He was glad to hear her say this, but the truth was he didn’t think himself capable of being a good father. He knew nothing about babies except that he should avoid stepping on them. He had no idea how to change a diaper.
And he certainly didn’t know anything about raising children. But then, that was the point. They weren’t his children to raise. And it wasn’t as though Julie and he would be together long enough for him to learn these things. So why did he care about making a good parent? “If I become your husband and we have a child, you’ll leave me eventually.”
She shook her head. “I’ll never leave you, Morgan.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“I know. And so will you when you realize I’m carrying a baby.”
That brought tears to his eyes. It meant so much to hear her say he was part of her life and the future. He wiped his tears as she reached for his hand and held it in hers. “I love you, Julie.”
He saw a slight blush spread over her cheeks and she nodded, then leaned in to kiss him. He cupped her face in his hands and deepened the kiss until she pressed herself against him, feeling his hardness through their clothing. He drew back, knowing they had a long way to go before she believed he cared about her as much as he did. “We should go back inside.”
“Yes, but not yet,” she whispered as she looked up at him.
When his gaze met hers, her hand came up to caress his cheek. He let her palm move down the side of his neck and chest until she reached the front of his pants. The heat of her fingers made him moan softly. She smiled as she slid her hand beneath his waistband.
He closed his eyes and let out a groan when her hand touched his bare skin. When her fingers slipped into the top of his shirt, he opened his eyes, afraid he might frighten her. But she didn’t remove her hand from him. Instead, she took off his shirt and threw it aside.
She looked down at herself and frowned, then glanced up at him. “My dress is still on.”
“Take it off.”
The words spilled out without forethought. As soon as he said them, he regretted saying them. What would he do if she refused? Would she even want to stay with him after tonight? If so, then why had she wanted to marry him?
Was it because she knew something about what happened tomorrow night that she couldn’t tell anyone? He tried not to dwell on that as she unbuttoned the top button of her dress and then undid the zipper. He stared at the sight before him, mesmerized by how beautiful she was and how well his body responded to her touch. “Please take it off.”
She hesitated, but he didn’t give her time to second-guess his request. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her toward the bed. Once she was lying on the bed, he removed his shirt and lay down next to her. His body ached and burned and his heart pounded. He reached out for her, wanting to feel her close, but she pulled back. “Morgan, I…”
“Don’t talk now.” He stroked her cheek until she rested her head on his shoulder. He kissed her lightly, hoping she understood that all he wanted was to lie next to her. To hold her and comfort her. “Just lie still.”
“All right.”
He held her tight. Her warmth surrounded him and he felt as though he could float away in the darkness of her arms. He wondered briefly if she ever dreamed of sleeping beside someone who loved her and caring for a child of their own.
Did she think about having a family? Or did she simply see the marriage as an arrangement for her to escape this town and find a better life? Maybe, he thought, it was best to ask her these questions while he could, so she’d never forget what kind of man he truly was.
But when he reached for her lips, she turned away from him. Her breathing changed and he knew she must have been dreaming or remembering something unpleasant from the past. He kissed her forehead and held her tighter, wishing things were different. Wishing he didn’t have to sleep alone again tonight.
***
In spite of the fact that she was married to him, Julie had never felt more like a single woman than when she awoke and found herself alone in her room. She stretched out on the bed and rolled over onto her stomach, feeling as if she had a thousand knots in every muscle.
A glance at the clock told her she had slept most of the day away, so she forced herself to sit up and look around her small room. There wasn’t much to see other than a few items that decorated the walls: two photographs of Morgan’s brother and sisters and a painting depicting a cowboy riding across a prairie with a herd of cattle.
Her gaze fell upon the bedside table. On top was her Bible, a book on botany, a picture of her parents when they were young and two photos of Morgan and himself. One was taken last year and the other was from just this month.
In both, she smiled brightly as he stood behind her and wrapped his arm around her waist. “What are you looking for?” He sat down beside her on the bed, his eyes dark and intense. She hadn’t even noticed him come into the bedroom and she jumped when he spoke.
“Your wedding band.”
She swallowed hard and glanced down at the floor, afraid he might see the disappointment in her eyes. “I don’t want it.”
“It was given to me by my mother,” he said as he took the ring from the table and handed it to her. “I’ve worn it every day since the day I received it.”
His voice caught her attention and she glanced up at him. “Is this something special to your family?”
“Very special. You’ll see soon enough.”
Was this another hint or warning? She looked down at the gold ring again, but couldn’t bring herself to remove it from her finger. How could she wear it if she no longer wanted to be his wife? It wouldn’t seem right unless she made some changes in her life first. “Why can’t I keep this one instead of giving it back?”
“Because I need you to return the others and I know your father won’t accept them unless he has this one too.”
“I don’t understand.”
He shook his head. “Let’s go downstairs for dinner.”
After breakfast, they left for church. The building was larger than most and housed more members than Julie expected. When Morgan led her inside, she noticed the women sitting together, chattering quietly while men stood at the rear of the church listening to the preacher.
She didn’t know how long it took for everyone to arrive and get settled, but soon they were standing near the front pew with several people watching them. Julie had never attended church with the rest of the community before and realized that not many of the people in this town would ever have known what happened between her and Morgan.
Not until today, anyway. They’d probably heard rumors, but only now knew exactly what had transpired and why.
Morgan sat next to her on the aisle, then took her hand, pulling her close. “My friends will understand. You’re a good woman, Julie, and I’m proud of everything you’ve accomplished in your life. Don’t worry, we’ll be fine.”
He squeezed her fingers and pulled her closer. She looked around nervously at the crowd of faces and tried to focus on the words of the preacher, but found she couldn’t concentrate.
Finally, Morgan nudged her aside to give room to an elderly couple and Julie followed him to the back of the church where she leaned against the wall as he whispered soothing words in her ear.
“You’re making a mistake,” he said.
“But—”
“There is nothing wrong with this community. Nothing that will harm your reputation or make it impossible for us to live here. We may be outsiders, but that doesn’t mean we can’t fit in. People have their opinions and beliefs, but I believe there are still good people everywhere. We will find our place among these folks eventually.”
He stroked his finger along her cheek, his voice gentle and comforting. “Don’t forget who you are and where you came from. No matter what happens, you can’t let that be forgotten. I can’t lose sight of it either.”
A tear trickled down her face. What was he saying? Hadn’t they already discussed the issue? Why was he suddenly changing his mind about something? He was the one who insisted she leave Kansas City and come to Wyoming.
He was the one who brought her here and made her feel at home in a strange city. He’d helped her get a job and taught her so much about ranching that she could almost pretend to be part of his family, but he seemed to be trying very hard to change all of that now. Did he think it wasn’t worth it? Was he regretting what he did? “I don’t understand.”
“Of course you do, honey. You’re smart. Just remember why I brought you here and what I told you yesterday night.” His hand dropped from her cheek to take hers. “We can’t run forever, Julie. If we want to be happy together, then we have to make it work.”
The words rang in her ears. “How do you know if it will be any different than staying with me? You haven’t even seen this community yet. Maybe we should stay here, but move to Chicago or New York or someplace else after I graduate.”
“I’m tired of running,” he said softly. “I’m sick of living in fear and hiding in dark corners where no one can see you. I’m ready to stop running away from who I am and start looking ahead to the future.”
“I thought you wanted to wait until you were done with school. Are you sure this is what you really want?”
“It’s more than I could ever ask for. Now, please try to relax. This isn’t going to last forever.”
His words made her feel like a fool and hurt worse than she’d imagined. But if this was really how he felt, it must be God’s way of telling her to give up the idea of marriage and start a new life without him. After all, she had her degree.
She wouldn’t be tied down by anyone. And once she graduated, she could marry whomever she chose in this state or any other state in which she lived. The future held endless possibilities and freedom for her and she refused to let herself get caught in another trap.
She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to ignore Morgan’s hand rubbing her arm in small circles. When he released her, she rose quickly and walked out into the sunlight of the foyer. It was too bright and sunny in here, so she stepped outside to sit on the steps.
“Julie?”
She ignored him and waited until he climbed the stairs. “This has nothing to do with your friends.”
He sat beside her and laid his hand on her thigh. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Did I say something wrong?”
“You’re not the only one who’s changed their mind,” she said sadly. “Why don’t you go tell your friends you’re going to keep waiting for them.”
“I’m not going to leave you here alone. That’s not the kind of man I am. You’re my woman and you belong with me.”
She turned to look at him as he leaned forward. A smile tugged at her lips and she took his hands in hers and smiled gently. “Thank you for coming out here with me.”
He kissed her fingertips, sending a shiver through her body. “I would never miss your wedding day.”
“That’s sweet, but we both know you didn’t come out here to be nice. Do you have anything to tell me?”
“Yes,” he said and leaned closer to her ear. “I’m sorry.”
With that, he left the church and went inside to speak with the reverend. She followed the sound of voices back to the pew, but Morgan was already gone. So much for a romantic wedding ceremony, she thought bitterly, staring at the empty space between the rows.
The End