Burning Desires
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Kahlan’s eyes snapped open. The sun was still high in the sky and she found herself on her knees, holding her head in her hands. There had been something…something about it, she thought dizzily…and suddenly realized she couldn’t remember what it was.
It wasn’t important; they’d won! They were alive – all of them, including Denna. Kahlan knew that if anyone could have survived such a desperate situation as theirs, Denna would be able to. That left only one other possibility: Richard’s magic had saved him and all his men.
She felt so light-headed from their close brush with death that she wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep for just five minutes or ten, but instead, she forced herself up to her feet, then went into the kitchen to find food. Her body was sore from being held over the fire like a piece of meat.
Her clothes felt hot against her skin and sticky with blood where Richard had spilled some when he’d picked her up and carried her out of the burning house. He hadn’t let her put the weight down on anything until after they’d gotten far enough away for him to stop and set her down.
Then, he’d helped her walk the rest of the way. Richard always seemed to know how much pain she was in before she even did. “What are you looking for?” he asked quietly as she came into the room carrying an apple and some cheese.
They’d gone to the kitchen before coming to the front porch. Kahlan hadn’t been able to bear sitting outside in the sun while everyone else was celebrating around their fire. Not that she could blame anyone. She didn’t feel celebratory, though.
Her entire life was turned upside down by this last terrible night. A part of her felt numb as if it had happened too fast to absorb or comprehend. Another part seemed almost relieved that it was over as if she wished she could wake up and discover that none of it had really happened at all, that all those things were someone else’s nightmare.
And yet another part, no matter what she told herself, seemed strangely elated, as if there were a little bit of the old woman inside who secretly relished seeing her own worst nightmares come true.
She looked down to see Richard watching her carefully. “There aren’t any forks,” he observed quietly. He was standing next to the chair he’d slept in. His sword hung by his side and his bow was across the chair’s arm.
“You’ll have to use your fingers.” Kahlan smiled wryly at the sight of his dirty face, his hair sticking up in all directions, and his disheveled clothing, which looked like it belonged to a different man. His expression matched her own as if he had a thousand questions he wanted to ask but no idea where to begin.
But he waited patiently for her answer. She reached into the drawer and withdrew a few forks and knives. As she returned them, she added, “It is very late. I’m going to go wash up – maybe I can help get dinner ready. Would you like that?”
He nodded as if he couldn’t think of a reason why not, and then stood silently for a long moment, lost in thought. She was certain he was trying to decide what he should say to her; she was equally certain that whatever he said wouldn’t make any sense to either of them, since everything had changed forever.
He seemed to reach a decision. He took two of the spoons out and handed them to her and began walking toward his tent without another word. Kahlan watched him go and tried not to look too disappointed.
They’d been fighting for each other since the first day they met, ever since they’d both been captured by the Order of the Dark One and thrown together in the dungeons of Ebinissia. They were friends, comrades, and partners in every way they could be, as much in their roles as prisoners of war as they were as people.
They’d learned about each other’s strengths and weaknesses and had grown together as a result. Now, they were also husband and wife, as much in love with each other now as they had once been as lovers. They had a child, too, who they had fought to save, a young girl named Nara, whom they would do anything to protect.
All of that meant a lot to Kahlan, more than words could say. But it was their friendship, as well as their partnership, that had always mattered most. Their bond made them a better team than any two others in the world. And their love – oh, how she loved Richard!
She could feel it in her bones and in her heart, like a river running deep within. The thought that she might never see him again tore at her guts, as surely as if she had swallowed sharp shards of broken glass. But what hurt more was knowing that he was right; he could not understand the full meaning of his life any more than she could fully grasp what she’d done.
That was the thing Kahlan knew: Richard was the one person in the world she cared for most, and she could no longer trust him.
***
Kahlan washed and dressed, then hurried downstairs to prepare dinner. She’d already decided that she had to make Richard eat something even if he did not want to. He needed strength, and if he refused food, she would force some on him. It would not be pleasant, but she had no choice. She would rather die herself than allow him to starve.
He wasn’t at dinner, nor afterward. When she came to bed after washing up, he was missing from his sleeping bag. He wasn’t in the kitchen when she went to make breakfast either. He’d vanished somewhere. She hoped that he was simply hiding out, trying to figure out what to tell her or what excuse he should use if she asked him where he was off to.
Kahlan had been waiting a long time for this moment, dreading it just as intensely, and now that it was here, she wished it would hurry and pass.
“Richard!” she called softly as she entered her room and found his clothes neatly folded by the door. “I know you’re there. Where are you?” He didn’t answer. She walked over and peered around the edge of the curtain, careful to stay well back.
She saw him sitting cross-legged on the floor near the foot of the bed, staring blankly ahead as if he weren’t really seeing anything. He was wearing his shirt and boots, but no breeches. His sword was lying next to him and Kahlan was struck by the sight of his hands.
They were shaking so badly that the hilt had slipped free of the scabbard and slid a good four feet away, almost to the corner of the wall. The tip of his knife was buried in the straw beneath him, and his hand was gripping it desperately in a death grip to hold the blade in place while he used his thumb and finger to keep it from slipping completely out. She felt her stomach clench in horror.
She moved closer, watching carefully for any sign that she might set him off. Her heart was pounding as hard as a drum. She kept expecting him to lunge at her. She had only two choices: leave him here alone, or come to him.
There was no other way; she could not let him kill himself as well as her. But she dreaded doing it, because Richard wouldn’t hesitate to try it again if he thought there was any chance she would abandon him. She couldn’t believe she’d gone along with his plan and agreed to help him kill himself, but she hadn’t been able to bring herself to stop him, either.
Kahlan stepped quietly through the doorway, trying to appear casual, though inside her heart was hammering, and she was certain that he was going to attack the instant she was in view. The look on his face was terrifying and she was terrified of what he might do.
She took a deep breath, steeled her nerves, and eased into his field of vision. When he looked up at her, it was with a kind of dull glaze, his eyes wide, and she felt an odd relief. She didn’t want him to be mad at her. She tried to smile at him. “Good morning,” she said calmly.
It worked because his expression softened. It wasn’t real relief, because he still looked as if he were in shock, but his eyes were looking at her without any hint of rage. His lips parted slowly as he blinked several times, then finally nodded. “Good morning.”
“How are you feeling?”
His gaze flicked around as if he were trying to find the point where he was looking. He glanced at her hand and then back at her face. Then he reached over and grabbed one of her arms, lifting the sleeve of her tunic to get a better look at her arm. He pulled gently at her flesh, examining it. “You’re hurt. What happened?”
Kahlan shrugged. “A thorn stuck me while we were crossing a stream.”
He seemed puzzled. “But there were no thorns on the bank.”
She shook her head, pulling her sleeve back down. “No, it must have been a small one. I’m fine now.”
“That’s good.”
Kahlan frowned. “Why don’t you sit down and eat some breakfast? You haven’t eaten since last night.”
He stared at her as if he could not understand what she was saying. When she pointed to the table with its dishes of fruit, bread, and porridge, he started forward and sat down heavily, his legs splayed out.
As soon as he was seated, she went to work, pouring him coffee and setting it before him, then filling his plate with scrambled eggs and bacon, toast, and jam. He watched her warily as he ate. She knew he was wondering how long it would take to break down and start screaming for her to go away and leave him alone.
They talked about the weather until he finally finished his meal and pushed back from the table, still frowning at her as if he were not quite sure where he was. He stood stiffly, then leaned toward her and sniffed at her hair. He turned abruptly and walked out into the corridor. Kahlan watched him go, wondering if he was ever going to speak.
When she was sure that he was safe upstairs—she heard his light snoring within moments afterward—Kahlan hurried back to her own bed to change into clean clothes and brush her hair. After that, she went to see Zedd and tell him Richard was all right.
The wizard had been sitting at his desk when she arrived. He raised his eyebrows inquiringly at Kahlan, but his lips curved up slightly in amusement. “So he made it.”
She nodded. “I think he’s going to be all right. But I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”
The wizard rubbed his chin. “Did you notice anything unusual about him? Anything that might indicate why he’s acting like this?”
She shook her head, then stopped herself. She’d noticed something odd but hadn’t wanted to say it. She had been afraid to mention it. It was obvious what was troubling her, so she sighed, shaking her head again. “Well… he doesn’t seem quite himself today.”
Zedd smiled softly as if amused by her discomfort. “Yes, I can imagine. He’s probably suffering more than you realize.”
“What do you mean?”
“Richard has never been alone in his life.” He paused, thinking. “Not really. His mother was the one who carried him into the world, and even then she was dead for three years before he was born. So Richard lived his entire first decade of life under the watchful eye of someone else—his father.
For the next two decades, until we found him, he lived here in the palace, or at the college, or with Morden and the Guild.” He chuckled, shaking his head. “Then he was taken away from all of them—even me—to live in the palace of the Emperor’s daughter.
Now he lives alone and is very lonely. He must be feeling it more acutely now because it’s so quiet in here without anyone to talk to except us.”
“But Richard was always alone,” Kahlan protested. “We both were before we met each other. He had no friends growing up.”
Zedd shrugged. “Maybe that’s part of it. But being alone, and not having anyone to love… they aren’t the same thing.”
Kahlan hesitated, then finally said what she had been thinking since Richard woke her. “You think he’s in love with me.”
“I think he feels more strongly about you than either of you suspect.”
“But I’ve known Richard most of my life—”
“You’ve known him less than I did. Because of your magic, you’ve never been able to read people the way I do. That’s why I’m the one who found him and saved his life.”
“You’re talking nonsense now, Zedd. There’s no reason Richard would fall in love with me. I’m just plain old Kahlan.” She shook her head emphatically as if she’d already come to the end of any argument she could win. “And I am nothing like he deserves.”
Zedd leaned back against his chair, smiling as if pleased with a private joke. “It’s true then, isn’t it? He’s fallen in love with you.”
Kahlan blushed as she realized he understood. She tried to laugh it off. “No, it’s not that. He’s never been in love with someone like I was with him.” She frowned, shaking her head slowly as if trying to deny it.
The wizard’s smile broadened in amusement. “He is in love with you, my dear girl. I can tell. I don’t think you realize how deep his feelings are, not yet.”
“You can’t know that,” she whispered, looking down, unwilling to believe what he had told her. “You have no idea what Richard is like.”
“All I care is that he is happy. If he is, then I am.” He patted her shoulder reassuringly, then reached for her hand, squeezing gently. “If he thinks he loves you, well, let him feel it, my dear. You may be surprised where it will lead.” He winked conspiratorially as she looked up into his eyes.
They sat in silence awhile longer while Kahlan stared off into space. When she glanced back at him, she saw that he was smiling, nodding his head as if to urge her forward.
“Richard’s a good man,” she murmured. “I don’t want him unhappy, so I’ll wait until he tells me—”
“—before you make up your mind. Let him decide for himself whether he wants to risk loving you forever.” The wizard squeezed her hand, then leaned forward over his chair, clasping her hands in his own. “Whatever he decides to do, there’s no need to fear for him. He has the strength to face anything life brings his way.”
“That’s not what frightens me,” she muttered. “There’s something bothering him. Something that I don’t understand.”
The wizard nodded as if he agreed. He stood up with a sigh and went around the table to the hearth, leaning back against its warm brickwork. He stretched out his legs, closing his eyes. “Do you remember when you asked me how I knew I loved Kahlan? It’s hard to explain unless you experience it yourself…”
The End