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Along came Hannah to be her friend. It was nice to have an active female role model, a girl who could put aside the problems of one day and focus on what really mattered: shopping! “You’re going up against two guys?” said Hannah as she led us through the crowded streets of LA. We had been trying every trick in our book to get into a mall without spending money—a tough challenge in Beverly Hills.
“Yep,” I sighed. “We’ll give it everything we’ve got.”
The three of them went off for coffee while I filled my brain with facts about Hannah, which wouldn’t do much good if anyone saw me writing on a napkin or something later; so I paced around outside until they came out again.
Then we decided that what would be best, given how far behind we were, was a double assault. I’d go in first to distract and impress security (and maybe buy some sunglasses), while Margo and Hannah would follow and set the record straight when necessary.
That way, nobody should have any doubts about my intentions after I disappeared. If I made it back unscathed… well, who knew? The plan seemed to make sense to everyone present.
I considered saying something to them but thought better of it just then. Even though none of us wanted a scene before going into battle, there had still been a certain tension between us lately—almost like a competition where only one winner stood.
What this had to do with anything beyond a healthy dose of teenage rivalry, I didn’t know for sure. But since things had definitely cooled off once we understood why each other did all these odd things, I couldn’t complain.
“Hey, Jake!” Hannah waved to me from across the street, having seen me pacing. She had on oversized sunglasses and seemed happy enough to walk right up to me despite being completely recognizable to strangers and a complete public figure herself. “This is silly,” she added as we walked toward her car. Her smile was dazzlingly white.
Hannah took hold of my hand—my heart jumped at this unexpected gesture. Was my little crush coming back? Unfortunately no…
When we reached the vehicle, I noticed someone already sitting inside waiting for me: Margo. The blue-jeaned brunette looked smug with her arms crossed over her chest and a smirk on her face. On one side of her sat the lumpy black creature that resembled a fat snail… until you caught a glimpse under its shell.
But Margo refused to answer when I asked her what exactly this thing was. And when I turned around to look at Hannah, I found her staring intently into my eyes, probably trying to read my thoughts. I kept looking away. After all, who wants his secret agent girlfriend reading minds?
After a minute’s struggle, I managed to extract myself from their clutches and climb into the passenger seat. Hannah gave me a sympathetic stare but refrained from commenting. A glance told me that Margo hadn’t bothered with any such niceties, and apparently wasn’t worried about giving away secrets either.
I tried not to fidget. We drove in silence, Hannah leaning forward against the steering wheel, hands clasped together. She spoke to me only after we arrived at the mall.
“What are your plans for after school, anyway?” she inquired casually.
And once more the weirdness returned. The question felt personal—which meant it wasn’t intended to be taken lightly. Why now, after all this time, would she start asking questions about my life? My feelings? In fact, shouldn’t people know these things by now? I cast glances in her direction, hoping for some sort of explanation.
But there wasn’t any forthcoming. Instead, Hannah simply continued driving as if nothing special had happened. This obviously upset her, making it clear that we needed to talk. There were too many of those unspoken moments between us, where I tended to hide behind half-hearted attempts at light conversation rather than address the real problem.
No wonder it was getting hard for her to pretend everything was cool between us. She probably thought that if she spent enough time talking to me I’d eventually realize how important it was that we take stock of our situation. And indeed, that might be part of it. Not necessarily because it was becoming more urgent but just because I realized it myself: this was bad news for all of us.
As we parked next to the entrance to the mall, I expected a long overdue confrontation. Maybe Hannah would call me on all the hurtful comments I had made when she called me out last time and ask for my apology? All sorts of possibilities swirled through my mind.
At least we could get past whatever awkwardness remained between us if we did it properly this time. It would require a lot of courage… but this was no longer about our mutual dislike for each other but about putting things into perspective. Because the truth would never remain hidden forever; it always comes to light eventually.
“You can stay here,” I said, handing her the keys. Then I strode quickly toward the entrance and climbed the stairs onto the sidewalk. I glanced at my watch—the day’s almost half over! I don’t think I’ve ever had to hurry so badly.
While the mall didn’t seem very busy yet, that hardly mattered anymore, since it was obvious that Hannah wanted to avoid speaking to me. Better to have nothing to say. Once inside the building, I headed straight for the arcade and searched for Dave.
He and his friends were nowhere to be found at first sight, but I spotted him halfway down one of the corridors leading away from the main hall. Judging by the red mark under his eye, he’d probably been drinking heavily again. But unlike the others, Dave had somehow gotten himself dressed today.
His clothes were filthy but clearly different from the ones he wore the previous night, which in turn weren’t quite the same as they usually looked either. Maybe someone bought them for him?
He was sitting at a table alone, gazing at the electronic pinball machine and smoking an old-fashioned cigarette in his mouth. When he sensed me approaching, he exhaled a cloud of smoke before turning around and smiling broadly. “Hi, Jake, nice shirt!”
I held the collar of my sweater to prevent the nicotine from reaching my throat and raised my eyebrows appreciatively. “Thanks. I like this place.”
“Oh yeah?” Dave appeared genuinely pleased to hear it. And yet it seemed odd how nonchalant he was about such a superficial comment. The casual way with which he spoke to me reminded me why it didn’t take me long to stop using his name after we met the last time.
So far, none of the others had said anything about my new clothing or hairstyle—and though I couldn’t imagine they’d be thrilled to see the latter, I expected it wouldn’t be as big an issue for them as it was for me. Probably best not to bring up this subject right now, even though I should really tell them something. Eventually, everyone else would find out, and then it would all end anyway…
At that precise moment there came a sharp ringing from the phone in my pocket, followed by the sound of a dial tone. I pulled the cell out and turned the volume up: a series of numbers were flashing across the screen. Who’s calling me right now?!
Dave asked, “Who’s trying to reach you at such an early hour? Is it someone you haven’t talked to in ages?” He shrugged as if to say, Isn’t that a good thing?
When I pressed the green button, there was a pause. Finally, I heard a familiar voice saying, “Hey, hey, what’s going on here? Where are you?”
A blast of disappointment rushed over me. “Hello?” I mumbled.
“Jake?” As soon as I heard my sister’s voice I recognized it instantly. I pressed the green button, wanting to speak to her directly.
It was like having a huge weight fall onto my shoulders. If only I could explain to Hannah that we had nothing left to discuss without causing further friction, I knew my mother would be disappointed in me. She might blame herself for the loss of our relationship.
But maybe that was for the best…? Even more important than that, I dreaded hearing another condemnation from Mom or Dad. How much worse must it be if they started blaming me themselves? I’m sure they’re going to do just that tomorrow morning when they wake up.
No matter where I go, my family is with me. Their opinions will follow me wherever I travel—for better or for worse. I’ll give in to their wishes as often as possible. They deserve no less from me…
For some reason, I still thought I could talk this whole ordeal over with my sister, who seemed to have overcome her anger and hatred for me. For the first time ever, I felt safe enough to confide in her, knowing that she wouldn’t hold it against me.
Now that I was standing outside that stifling room, my breathing became labored. My chest constricted, and my head began pounding painfully. What good does it do to try to run away from the one person who has supported me more times than anyone else in my life?
“Hey…it’s me.” Her voice sounded hoarse. “Are you okay? Are you home?”
As usual, my answer wasn’t exactly satisfying to hear. “No…I’m out of town. It’s sort of a secret, though…” I was hoping she’d ask me where, because then I could simply refuse to tell her. Then I’d make things easier on myself. If this goes well, I’ll go back home and never have to look her in the face again.
That won’t bother me a bit. In fact, it would actually be extremely healthy for us to distance ourselves from each other completely.
But I barely made it through those two words before Hannah burst into tears. “Where are you, Jake?!” she wailed.
That was the beginning of our latest battle the two of us.
***
This time I managed to resist the temptation to hang up. My resolve was strengthened as I heard my sister sobbing at the other end of the line. Forcing my exhausted body to remain upright so I wouldn’t collapse in front of the entire bar, I put a hand over the receiver.
Why does she care so deeply? Her lack of love and affection—so evident from the very start—was a tremendous burden for me to bear. After she came along, everything in my life changed. Only seeing her every night helped to distract me from the thoughts that haunted me constantly.
And yet despite her own feelings toward me, she continued to console me through thick and thin…
In my heart, I always wanted to tell her that, but it would have been too cruel to do. Every time I did so, she’d react with abject sorrow. Perhaps she was happy that I missed her as much as I apparently did? Maybe that meant she truly loved me and cared about me, regardless of whether it had the opposite effect on me. No…that can’t possibly be true.
The light-brown curtain fluttered in the window behind me, blocking out any view of the street beyond. At this point, there was nothing to do except stay calm, wait patiently, and listen.
“Wait—don’t get mad, but…,” Hannah whispered. I closed my eyes and waited, unable to suppress the anxiety rising inside me. Whatever happened, the next few minutes were already predetermined. What if they saw me leave the restaurant tonight and realized something had gone wrong? Or worse, what if I ran into them somewhere else? Couldn’t I even count on Dave?
Hannah continued speaking. “There’s someone downstairs who’s talking about hiring you.” She paused, presumably to regain control of her emotions. “He says he needs your help. He said not to let anything stop him; not to tell Mom and Dad—”
I stood silent, letting the phone ring several times before responding. “Who?”
My voice was frail; my throat burned from all of the yelling. When was the last time I’d heard such a pleasant surprise? With Hannah’s frequent calls, I often wondered how long it would take before she started getting irritated by my repeated refusals. Even I knew better than to say no on principle alone.
But in spite of that, I couldn’t quite bring myself to accept this job. Every time I tried to convince myself that maybe I really didn’t need any money, I’d quickly remember how pathetic I’d become. The memory of the gun barrel pressed tightly to the back of my head made me shudder.
There was only one way for me to survive now: to start earning money somehow, anywhere. In order to move forward with my plans, I needed cash reserves. On top of that, I had to stay positive and hopeful to keep Hannah from worrying.
“A guy named Mike…,” she answered carefully. “His number is three eight five, zero six seven four.”
Three eight five, zero six seven four. These numbers must refer to his cell phone. That narrows down the search significantly. Still, I decided to play it safe, just to be sure. “Why don’t you call him right back and have him come upstairs to talk to me?” I replied.
It’s worth giving some thought to which option makes the most sense, financially speaking. Just so I can figure out the best way to help the person who means so much to me.
It was clear to me from the first moment I listened to her explanation that the task she set before me was well within my abilities. Now that I think about it, I should probably go ahead and call and book an appointment, regardless of whether or not I decide to work with this new client.
So I asked her to send him over as soon as possible. But before we hung up, I could still hear her sobbing and whimpering: “Oh please! Be careful, Jake!”
What’s the matter? Did something happen when I wasn’t looking? Was there any news from home that made her worried? Does she have bad dreams again? Is her room damp, because it never dries out after it rains? All of these questions occurred to me, but once again, I couldn’t ask. And without the luxury of time, there’s no telling if I’ll ever learn the answers to those questions.
Once she’d rung off, I sat dumbfounded on my seat for a bit. A nasty little voice was trying its hardest to creep into my mind. You’re being stupid, fooling around like this. What happens if you actually meet him? Think about how horrible things are going to get afterward.
You know all too well that whoever gets involved with a guy like you is destined to wind up dead. To make matters worse, you’ve got a crying girl listening in the background. Don’t underestimate your value. If anything goes wrong, just throw yourself under a subway car.
Because none of us are getting paid enough to risk our lives for nothing at the end of the day. We need to go legit, the smart choice would be to cut all ties with the street life forever. Who knows if we’ll ever get the opportunity to see each other again? So, if you’re gonna die, then might as well live life to the fullest every single minute until you get hit by a train.
The End